Asshat Wireless

How would you describe yourself? (pick one)

1. Gigantic douche
2. Major tool
3. Total asshat
4. None of the above—generally I’m a nice person

If your answer is d, you’re probably not qualified to work in a cell phone kiosk at the mall.

My cell phone died on Saturday. It was a Motorola E815 that had served me well for over 3 years, up until only recently when the battery stopped holding a charge, and I’d have to recharge it every day. Then it just stopped sending and receiving calls altogether.

I probably should have done something about this much earlier, as I would rather have ordered a phone from Verizon’s website. But I’m a procrastinator by nature and having to renew my contract for another 2 years in order to get a free phone made me nauseous every time I thought about it. So I kept putting it off.

After talking to customer service and finding out there was nothing they could do to help me, I had to suck it up and go to the Verizon store. Since I was in Utah County (barf) visiting the family, I went to one of the Verizon kiosks in the Provo Towne Center. Apparently, this one is actually run by a company called mybullfrog.com. And they suck. Especially the tall, dark haired dude who “helped” me with my purchase. I don’t remember his name, so let’s call him Dick.

Dick epitomized the douchebaggery you’d generally expect from someone working at a cell phone kiosk. I had looked at Verizon’s website before I left and basically picked out the phone I wanted (a purple Motorola W755). I really only use my cell phone to make calls, occasionally take pictures, and very rarely send a text...

...but of course I glanced at the other phones while I was waiting for someone to actually help me, and when Dick finally acknowledged me I was looking a phone that I’m guessing is Verizon’s overpriced version of the iPhone. So naturally he tried to sell me that one. No thanks. Especially since that one wasn’t available without “upgrading” my contract to a more expensive one, and I barely use any of the minutes on my plan as it is.

I explained that my current phone was no longer working, and that I just needed to replace it with a similar one. After I showed him the one I wanted, he tried to sell me some stupid extended warranty for like $69.95 a year.

He launched into this idiotic spiel about how camera phones are expensive to replace—the “retail value” of my new phone, for example, is like $300 (yeah right, that thing probably cost less than $1 to make in some Chinese factory. Shut up, Dick.) and the warranty covers loss, theft, breakage, blahblahblah, demonic possession, alien abduction…

(I might have just made up those last two. I kind of stopped listening as soon as he said “extended warranty.”)

Since I am not Homer Simpson, ("Extended warranty? How could I lose?") I obviously declined. Dick’s response?

“Are you sure? I mean we do have a broken one there…”

Um no, asshole. I have a phone that survived well past its intended life span, and then died due to no fault of mine. Most people get a new one every 1-2 years anyway. A three-year old phone is basically ancient, and I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

But I said, “Uh, I’ve had this one for over three years and nothing’s ever happened to it.” And mentally I added, “You condescending prick.” (I hope that part was implied in my tone of voice.)

At that point, I really should have just walked away. But my cell phone is my only phone, and I don’t feel safe if I don’t have it with me. Plus it was snowing and I didn’t want to drive anywhere else. Ugh.

So after he tried to sell me a bunch of accessories and shit I don’t need (“Not even if I sell you the car charger for half price?”) I finally got my phone and walked away. Thank Jeebus.

I just love it when salesmen (and men in general) talk to me like I’m a total moron and just generally act like patronizing douchesacks. Few things piss me off more than being treated like I’m stupid—in fact, that’s the quickest and easiest way to make me truly hate you.

And the reason I’m venting about this isn’t just because it turned (what should be) the simple act of replacing my phone into a huge, obnoxious ordeal; it’s also because I feel like alot of the men in Utah generally treat women this way.

I’m certainly not saying that all of the men in Utah are like Dick, but a lot of them that I deal with on a regular basis sure are.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the sexist church that many of them belong to, their upbringing, Utah culture in general, or something else, but it really bothers me. I routinely feel like I’m one of the women on Mad Men (set in the 1960’s) or Life on Mars (set in 1973).

Don’t get me wrong, I know quite a few good guys too. And I do like men. Especially one in particular…but he’s not from Utah. Interesting that I had to go all the way to England to meet someone I really, really like and who treats me like I’m actually a smart, interesting and worthwhile person…

(Yes, that would be the guy I refer to as “Elliot” on here.)

Anyway, I’m aware that assholes can be found all over the world, and women can be just as guilty as men of being condescending, patronizing jerks. But dealing with Dick reminded me of how deeply I dislike interacting with many of the guys in this state.

As Elliot would probably say, “What a tosser.”