Now it's official

Today sealed it. I am convinced I made a mistake in switching jobs.

We had a training today on aseptic technique, which is a topic I thought I knew alot about from my previous job. Except that it turns out I don't. Apparently, there is a correct way to open bottles and packaging, prepare instruments, and even put on sterile gloves, as seen in this video:


(note that the technique displayed here is slightly different than what I was taught today and would not be aseptic enough).

I had such a hard time with all of it. The movements felt really strange and awkward to me and my hands were stiff and clumsy. I couldn't get it right. Today was just a practice session. Next week, we will be tested working with actual media that microorganisms can grow in, instead of empty bottles. So if we fuck it up and anything grows in our bottle of media, that means we fail. The trainer did not say what would happen under that circumstance.

I was already exhausted and overwhelmed, this just made everything even more unbearable.

That experience was followed up with some reading of corporate documents on the company's intranet. I had noticed before that most of the people I've met or just seen around the building seem quite TBM. Now I have seen proof in writing. In a document written by the CEO, the phrase "teaching correct principles" was used.

This is very Mormon lingo that is used all the time in the church.

The Mormon phrasing in company documents combined with the hideous training experience made me want to cry, but luckily I managed to save that until I finished my assigned tasks for the day and got out to my car.

So basically, I don't want to go back there next week. Or ever. I wish I had never quit my old job. Ever since I gave my notice, I've had this sinking gut feeling that I was making the wrong choice. Now my instinct has been confirmed. I've made a huge mistake, but there is no going back. It's so awful. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Despite all the many issues at my old job, at least I knew I was good at it. I am so terrified that I am going to fail at this new one and be fired because I can't do it right no matter how hard I try. I literally feel sick with dread about having to go back on Monday, and I can't stop crying right now.

Spending less than a year at a job usually looks really bad on a resume. So even if I don't fail miserably and get fired, I'm stuck there until at least this time next year. At least. (Two years is probably more realistic, considering that I started the job search that got me into this mess back in October 2009). It is a really unpleasant thought.

I can't remember the last time I felt so exhausted and scared, or hated myself so much. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and die.