Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell...

Another Earth

2012-01-22T17:48:00.001-07:00

I watched this today and it was interesting. I wanted to love it, but I found it depressing--not in the helpful, carthartic way, but more in the "meh, my life sucks" way.

I've thought before about mirror or alterate universes, and if one (or many) did exist, would I be there? Would the other me be better off, or would she have fucked things up even worse than I have? I can't help but think that if this universe/world/reality is one of many where a version of me exists, I'm the one who drew the short straw.

If there is another me out there, there is probably another you. I hope that mirror-me and mirror-you are together and happy. I hope mirror-me didn't make whatever mistake I did that ruined everything. God I miss you so much.

Snow Patrol - New York

2012-01-11T22:40:00.001-07:00

"Though there's distance and there's silence your words have never left me
They're the prayer that I say every day"

Years later, this is still true. I miss you so much.

Mad Girl's Love Song - Sylvia Plath

2011-07-30T20:25:00.000-06:00

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Sometimes I do wonder if I made you up inside my head--could it be that all of the tangible reminders I have of you are just figments of my imagination? Then I think that no matter how creative I fancy myself to be, I could never have made up someone like you. No other man, real or imagined, will ever compare.

So, happy birthday. If I could have one wish for your birthday, it would be that I could forget you, or at least move on. WTF is wrong with me?

I hope you're ok

2011-05-11T19:17:00.000-06:00

When I read today about the earthquake in southern Spain (very near where you live), I couldn't help but think of you, and hope that you're ok.

The fact that I still give a shit about you is one of the very many reasons why I hate myself right now.

I remember arms reached out too late

2011-05-03T22:51:00.005-06:00

Dear Cute Co-worker,

You may or may not have noticed the silly crush I've developed on you over the last two months or so. I hope not. Anyway, just as I was working up the courage to be a functional human being and try to have a conversation with you about something other than work, you announced you got a new job and are leaving at the end of the week.

Lucky for you, bummer for me.

So thanks for:
*Helping me with the assignments for the stupid training class I'm taking
*Making my Mondays less dreadful by attending my group's mostly pointless morning meeting (even though you do spend most of it reading Twitter on your phone--yes, we've all noticed ;). I don't know how you got tasked with the liason job, but at least it brightened my day... :)
*Having a funny beer-related sticker at your desk (so I know you're not a super-TBM like all of the other people at work). It was nice to think there was at least one person I might truly be able to relate to.
*Telling me I looked nice yesterday ("not that you don't look nice every day," LOL) and
*Complimenting the cookies I brought to the meeting, even after I said they were from pre-made dough. I doubt they were actually better than X's home made cookies, but it was a sweet thing to say. (X=Another co-worker, famous for his awesome baking skills).
*Getting shit signed off and returned to me within a reasonable amount of time, and basically just being good to work with
*Getting paper towels for me when I spilled my tea (because I'm a clumsy ass)

I really would've liked to get to know you better, and I'm filled with shame and regret about being such a miserable failure socially. It seems to be the story of my life that just as I'm finally starting to get my shit together, the opportunity has passed.

So good luck at the new job, and while I did appreciate your invitation to come with, I explained that I interviewed with that company last year and they didn't want to hire me. :( But it seemed like a cool place and I hope you will be happy.

Yours truly,
Purple Goat

And now for the song of the day: You Are Goodbye - Holly Conlan.

It made a nice soundtrack for the pity party I've been throwing myself today.

99th percentile

2011-02-05T21:13:00.003-07:00

My official MAT score arrived in the mail today. It is the same as the preliminary score (478), but now I know my percentile: 99.

This is a score high enough to join most of the high IQ societies, including Mensa, Triple 9, Intertel and One-in-a-Thousand. I'm thinking of applying.

I don't mean to keep harping on about this, it's just that it's the first really good thing that's happened to me in a long time. My life generally sucks. I hate my job and don't think I'm good at it; my dad has been sick and spent the holidays in the hospital; I'm stuck in a state I hate, where I feel alone and like a complete outsider all the time; I constantly feel exhausted, run down and awful, but none of the doctors I've seen have been able to help me... etc.

This test score is the only thing in recent memory that has actually made me feel good about myself. I feel like framing the results page and hanging it on the wall over my desk at work, or getting a 99 and/or 478 tatooed somewhere on my body.

MAT 478

2011-01-28T19:44:00.004-07:00

I'm applying to a graduate program in Technical Writing. Since my GRE scores are a million years old and IMO, not impressive, I had to take another graduate entrance exam. One of the options was the MAT--Miller Analogies Test.

Basically, it's 120 questions and you have 1 hour to answer them. Only 100 are scored, the other 20 are experimental, and you don't know which ones those are. All of the questions are analogies, like:

hot : cold :: ____ : small

and you have to fill in the blank using one of the multiple choice answers. However, the questions can be about anything, including mathmeticians and their theories, scientists and their discoveries, historical figures and events, and weird numerical/math analogies.

The score range is 200-600, with a mean of 400 and a standard deviation of 25.

I took the test last night. I was worried because I went in feeling totally exhausted and brain dead. You know the kind of exhaustion where you feel weird and shaky, like maybe you shouldn't drive or even leave your house? (I call this "scary tired," and it happens to me several times each month). That's how I felt when I left work, and taking some time to rest at home didn't help.

I was also worried because most of the questions on the practice tests seemed difficult, with really obscure topics (German expressionist filmmaking, anyone?) and I didn't do very well on many of them. But most of the questions on the real test seemed much less difficult. At first I wondered if they only seemed easy because I was spaced out and not paying attention, but the level of difficulty increased later on in the test. I skipped several questions, but had time to go back to them; and still had time to check about 2/3 of my answers. I was glad I did, because there were a few where I knew the right answer, but had marked the wrong one.

Unfortunately, 478 is only a preliminary score. I won't know the official score until 3-4 weeks when it arrives in the mail. I hope the official score is as good or better, but I can't imagine why it would be any different than the preliminary. According to this page, a score of 478 equates to answering ~85 of the 100 scored questions correctly. It also puts me at 3 standard deviations better than the mean. :) As long as my official score is at least equivalent, I'll be a happy camper.

I asked the guy at the testing center what kind of scores people usually get, and he said that the highest he'd seen in 10 years of working there was 480.

I know I shouldn't rely on a standardized test to validate my self worth, but getting a good score with so little time to prepare (less than 2 weeks) was a huge win for me, the first I've had in quite some time. It's the first thing in a long time that's brought me even the tiniest slice of lasting joy. After spending the past 4 months at a new job where I feel overwhelmed, clueless, incompetent and stupid every day, I really needed a reminder that I'm actually an intelligent person (and not Homer Simpson working at the nuclear plant).

Have we come that far today?

2011-01-09T18:51:00.001-07:00

Machines, by Emma Davis

Ain't No Love

2010-12-27T23:16:00.003-07:00

The song of the day is "Ain't No Love" by David Gray:

It's like he looked inside my brain and perfectly expressed how I've been feeling, except much more eloquently than I ever could. Bravo.

The hounds of winter have me in their sights

2010-12-21T21:08:00.003-07:00

I hate winter. Seriously, I loathe everything about it. The snow, the cold, the sun setting at 5 pm... It's 4-5 months of sheer hellish misery (yes, winter can drag on for that long in Utah).

And it seems like nothing but bad things ever happen in my life during the winter. Slipping on the ice and cracking a vertebrae 2 years ago, my car getting rear-ended last week, my dad being in the hospital, etc.

Winter is by far the worst, ugliest and most depressing time of the year for me. I feel like the cold and darkness are hunting me down and I can't escape them. That's the feeling today's song reminds me of.

The Hounds of Winter - Sting

(and yes, I know that's not what the song is really about)

I'm glad that today is the solstice and from now on, the sun will start setting later and later every day.

Religious nonsense at work

2010-11-24T17:45:00.004-07:00

Earlier this week, the founder of the company I work at gave a presentation about safe food handling for the holidays. He's an expert microbiologist, so he knows what he's talking about. I didn't get to actually attend the presentation, but I was looking at the powerpoints today. It was interesting and informative...

...for the most part.

After the tips about how to avoid food-borne illnesses, there were some slides with tips for life in general. Stuff like "exercise regularly," "take a multivitamin," "laugh often," etc. All things I agree with.

Then one of the last ones was "Attend religious services regularly."

WTF does this have to do with safe food handling or a healthy lifestyle in general?

Even as a member of the LDS church, I never felt religion was essential to my life. I hated attending church meetings/activities, and would rather have been anywhere else. I guess I just don't understand the need people feel to have religion in their lives. I especially don't understand why a respected scientist would include that in a presentation at work.

Then again, this is the same company that has 2 copies of the Book of Mormon in the library, and where the CEO quoted Joseph Smith in a document about training.

(At least it's in with the fiction books. Though I'm betting Clive Cussler is a better writer than ol' Joe ever was...)

Despite how awful things were at the previous place I worked, the religious nonsense was nowhere near this bad. Just today one of my co-workers was talking about a friend of hers who was diagnosed with cancer and that was the "come to Jesus" he needed in order to start attending church again.

The religious stuff is not the only reason I don't like my job. It's been 2 months and I still feel clueless about what I'm supposed to be doing. I also had no idea it would be as physically demanding as is it is, and I really don't think I can keep up.

At my old job I was bored and miserable, but at least I knew I was good at it. Now I am overwhelmed, miserable and feel like I fail at everything I try to do. I dread going to work, and about 3 out of my 5 work days, I end up crying at some point during the day (on a "good" day I can at least hold it together until I get home).

Plus, the commute is killing me. 13 miles doesn't seem very far under good weather conditions, but when the roads are snowpacked and icy, it seems more like 1300 miles. I thought for sure my car was going to slide off the road this morning, or that I would crash into something. It was terrifying. And my only options for public transportation are taking 2 buses and a train, which amounts to a 1 hour commute. To go 13 miles.

I hate Utah so much. I really need to get out of here.

Faking positive emotions

2010-11-10T19:41:00.003-07:00

I just read an interesting article about faking positive emotions. The context was that people often have to pretend to be happy at work, and that human emotion is becoming commodified. This has a dehumanizing effect, as people are treated like just another resource to be used up.

While I could certainly relate to it on that level (uncomfortably so), it also reminded me of the church. I felt like I always had to walk around with a fake smile on my face, even though I was bored, miserable, and wanted to be anywhere other than at church (or FHE, or whatever other boring church meeting/activity I was attending).

It really did feel like "emotional labor."

...we are paid to make the effort to seem to feel and try to actually feel the
"right" feeling for the job, and to try to induce the "right" feeling in certain
others, that we are performing emotional labor.

The toll taken by emotional labor often results in depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic problems.

Hmm. Replace "paid" with "expected," and "job" with "calling" or some other churchy word, and I think that very accurately describes the "fake it till you make it" attitude that is so prevalent in the church. No wonder I felt like Sundays were the most exhausting, depressing day of the week. And it would also help explain why Utah has such a high rate of antidepressant use.

The author of the article worked as a flight attendant for many years before becoming a psychotherapist. She described the change in the airline industry over the years:

As the airline world was changing, I was smiling when I didn't feel like it. I went from genuine feelings of contentment and enjoyment of the job to feeling required to always show those feelings. The problem began when I realized that I had to maintain this outward persona, regardless of what was going on within me
or within Pan Am, and my joyfulness gave way to cover-up. More than once my
fondness for Pollyanna came to mind, my original conception of her as I tried to
"look on the bright side" of an ever-darkening situation. Now, more and more,
Pollyanna was becoming an inauthentic cover-up who nevertheless had to summon up courage.

I would guess that many people in the church experience similar feelings as the world moves forward, leaving them behind in the 1950's bubble the church seems to be stuck in.

As the church shows it's true colors, becoming more corporate, taking more and more from the members and giving nothing in return, staying bigoted and stuck behind the times, the members are still expected to smile and act like "All is well in Zion," even though TSCC is basically (hopefully) a sinking ship, IMO.

Socializing fail

2010-10-13T18:42:00.003-06:00

-Join indie movie meetup group.

-Finally get up the courage to attend one of the movie meetups.

-No directions given about where to meet the other people

-Can't find anyone, watch the movie alone and feel pathetic

FML.

The movie was awesome though. It was a pre-screening of Never Let Me Go, based on the Kazuo Ishiguro novel of the same name.

As with most movies based on books, the book was better. The movie left out some plot points that I thought should have been included, so for that reason I would give it 4 stars out of 5. If I hadn't read the book, that rating would probably be 5 stars.

Overall though, it was almost as heartbreakingly beautiful as the book; and definitely as disturbing and "slash your wrists" depressing (maybe even more so, which I didn't think was possible).

Definitely go see it if you get the chance, but I'd recommend a prescription for antidepressants first.

Wherever you go, we will find you

2010-10-01T23:05:00.005-06:00

This showed up in my PO Box today.

The letter reads:

Dear Purple:

The church membership record for Purple Goat, born Month Day is being held at Church headquarters because we cannot determine if you are this member and if this is your home address.
Please mark the appropriate response and return this letter in the enclosed postage paid envelope, or call the number provided below to respond. Your reply will help us send your membership record to your correct ward or branch.

o Yes I am this individual and I live at the address shown above
o Yes I am this individual but my correct address is given below
o No I am not this individual but I am a relative and have provided the correct address (if known)
o No I am not this individual nor do I know the individual by this name and birthdate.

If you are this individual and the address above is a PO Box or requires correction, please complete the address portion below.

Street Address:____
City, State and Zip: ___
Telephone #: ____
Name of ward or branch you attended: ____

For help identifying your ward or branch and the Sunday meeting times for your area, please access the Church website at www.lds.org and view the topic "About the Church" and then "Find a meetinghouse."

Sincerely,
Member Services
Member and Statistical Records Department
1-800-453-3860 x21699

The "Member Services" part almost makes me laugh. My credit card has a "Member Services" department too. But at least my credit card provides an actual service to the world.

These people just can't take a hint. Any suggestions on what I should do with the letter and postage paid envelope? So far I think that filling the envelope full of "anti-mormon" literature and sending it back sounds fun.

Second Lunch

2010-09-29T18:35:00.004-06:00

It is week 3 of my new job. I'll save my comments about the workaholic habits of my boss and coworkers for another post.

This entry is about how I'm probably going to re-gain the 50 lbs it's taken me over 4 years to lose.

There is food everywhere. Someone generous, well-meaning soul leaves loaves of cinnamon raisin and/or poppy seed bread in the kitchen near my office area. This is every week, and it is just there for everyone to eat. It's delicious.

Often, clients will come in to audit the facility. When they do, the company kindly provides lunch for them. If there are leftovers, guess where those end up? Yep, the kitchen near my office area. The people I work with call it "second lunch." It's like the hobbits in the LOTR movies having "second breakfast."

I have very poor self control when it comes to food. I buy mostly fruits, vegetables, yogurt, eggs, and other boring, healthy stuff because if I have unhealthy stuff around my house, I will eat it all in one sitting. The fruit and yogurt I brought with me to work today looked really boring compared to the cheeseburgers and potato salad in the kitchen.

When I got on the scale last week, I discovered that I had gained 3 pounds since starting work there. FML. It is seriously the most fattening workplace I've ever seen; even worse than when I worked at a candy store in college.

Maybe I need to put a rubber band around my wrist and snap it every time I think about eating anything other than the food I brought from home.

Where Are You Now?

2010-09-25T19:55:00.003-06:00

It's been too long since I did a song of the day. The song I have chosen for today is "Where Are You Now?" by Jimmy Harnen and Synch, from 1989.

Why yes, I am feeling excessively maudlin today.

I spent the day in the hospital, having an MSLT study, which left me with too much time to think (no TV to distract me and lull my brain into unconsciousness). So I was laying in the dark in the middle of the day, thinking about someone I should have forgotten, and this song came to mind.

It's sad when your weekend feels just as unpleasant as being at work.

I still hate my new job

2010-09-19T13:43:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning and realized that in less than 24 hours I have to go back there. It made me nauseous. I have spent much of this weekend asleep, but I am still exhausted. It does not bode well for the week ahead.

Anyway, I got out of bed and went to the living room to finish watching The Hurt Locker.

At this point, putting on that bomb suit and disarming an explosive sounds less stressful and more pleasant than having to go to my new job.

I really, really wish I had never left my old job. Have I mentioned how much I hate myself right now?

Now it's official

2010-09-17T17:50:00.003-06:00

Today sealed it. I am convinced I made a mistake in switching jobs.

We had a training today on aseptic technique, which is a topic I thought I knew alot about from my previous job. Except that it turns out I don't. Apparently, there is a correct way to open bottles and packaging, prepare instruments, and even put on sterile gloves, as seen in this video:

(note that the technique displayed here is slightly different than what I was taught today and would not be aseptic enough).

I had such a hard time with all of it. The movements felt really strange and awkward to me and my hands were stiff and clumsy. I couldn't get it right. Today was just a practice session. Next week, we will be tested working with actual media that microorganisms can grow in, instead of empty bottles. So if we fuck it up and anything grows in our bottle of media, that means we fail. The trainer did not say what would happen under that circumstance.

I was already exhausted and overwhelmed, this just made everything even more unbearable.

That experience was followed up with some reading of corporate documents on the company's intranet. I had noticed before that most of the people I've met or just seen around the building seem quite TBM. Now I have seen proof in writing. In a document written by the CEO, the phrase "teaching correct principles" was used.

This is very Mormon lingo that is used all the time in the church.

The Mormon phrasing in company documents combined with the hideous training experience made me want to cry, but luckily I managed to save that until I finished my assigned tasks for the day and got out to my car.

So basically, I don't want to go back there next week. Or ever. I wish I had never quit my old job. Ever since I gave my notice, I've had this sinking gut feeling that I was making the wrong choice. Now my instinct has been confirmed. I've made a huge mistake, but there is no going back. It's so awful. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Despite all the many issues at my old job, at least I knew I was good at it. I am so terrified that I am going to fail at this new one and be fired because I can't do it right no matter how hard I try. I literally feel sick with dread about having to go back on Monday, and I can't stop crying right now.

Spending less than a year at a job usually looks really bad on a resume. So even if I don't fail miserably and get fired, I'm stuck there until at least this time next year. At least. (Two years is probably more realistic, considering that I started the job search that got me into this mess back in October 2009). It is a really unpleasant thought.

I can't remember the last time I felt so exhausted and scared, or hated myself so much. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and die.

So I got a new job...

2010-09-14T18:25:00.004-06:00

...And I am wondering if I made the right choice leaving my old one.

I know, I know. I've complained about the old job several times on this blog. There is a long list of things I didn't like about it, including:

Negative work environment, poor morale, and questionable corporate culture
Cameras watching everything you do so management can find reasons to fire people
Very limited advancement opportunities, especially in the department where I worked
Constant safety issues: equipment that never worked properly and was never fixed, even though people complained about it
Inadequate training that contributed to the safety issues
Department supervisors behaving in a sexist manner. After buying an expensive piece of machinery, one of them commented that he bought it so that he "wouldn't have to pay maternity leave anymore." In front of a pregnant woman. (Just one of many examples; and to be fair, my direct supervisor was usually not involved in any of the sexist bullshit).
Rampant favoritism. Some people could do no wrong, even if they really were wrong. The reverse was also true.
A "blame the victim" mentality. Nothing was ever management's fault, even if it was. Everything got blamed on the employees.
Some of my co-workers were totally clueless and had no idea how to do their jobs; yet these were the people who got promotions and good raises. Some of these people also conducted themselves with all of the maturity and professionalism of your average junior high school student, and had such behavior rewarded.
Unethical practices; quality and integrity sacrificed in the name of profit. There are several pending lawsuits. Some have to do with bad results being reported and leading to a person's injury/death; others have to do with wrongful termination.
No positive feedback given; the only time anyone ever heard about thier job performance was at an annual review or if they made a mistake. Is it really so difficult to say "Good work on _____. Thanks for working so hard."???

So yes, it was a toxic environment and thinking that I was stuck there and couldn't find a job often made me depressed. However, there were things I actually liked:

The employee fitness center. Lots of great workout equipment, and the staff who run it and teach the classes are awesome. I already miss the classes.
Benefits far superior to what most companies offer. The medical and dental insurance at my new job are a disappointment in comparison, especially the prescription coverage.
On-site medical clinic. Reassuring for a hypochondriac like me.
Social Security opt out. Not sure how they wrangled it, but the retirement program was structured so that you could pay whatever you would have had deducted for SS into your own retirement account. I much prefer this to the forced paying into SS, especially since if the Repubs keep trying to raise the retirement age and whatnot, I will probably die before I'm even elligible for SS anyway.
My supervisor. He genuinely is a good person, and was usually very easygoing and didn't really care what time I showed up/left as long as it was reasonable and I got stuff done. I could always get time off whenever I wanted it. He is probably the best person I've ever worked for.
It was close to my house, and I had a company subsidized bus pass. It saved me a ton of money on gas and car maintenance.
I was good at my job, and though this was rarely if ever acknowledged, I think it was understood. I was (usually) comfortable there, and everything was familiar.
Vacation time and sick leave separate, not combined like at my new job (though you have to jump through annoying hoops to get the sick leave, it was nice to know it was there).
More paid holidays than at my new job.
Many co-workers that I liked and considered my friends
A cubicle with some degree of privacy.

I know none of these are great reasons to stay, but they are the things that made it hard for me to leave.

My last day was Friday. It was all I could do to make it out of the building without breaking down in tears. Then I came home and cried for like, an hour. It was pathetic. I am having a really hard time with this transition and I don't know why. Maybe I am pissed off and disappointed that I had to give up the things I liked in order to get a promotion.

Training at my new job started yesterday. They served us bagels for breakfast followed by a lunch of pasta, bread, cake and salad. It was delicious, but I'm scared that I've already gained back some of the weight I've lost by eating all of those carbs. There is an exercise room in the building, but it does not have as much equipment and no classes, which adds to my weight gain fears.

Essentially, the training is about a month long. This is promising, because the extensiveness of it makes me hope that people will be well-trained enough to avoid creating the dangerous situations that happened at my old job. However, reading the policy and procedure manual was depressing because it made me wonder how strictly the rules are enforced. I got away with stuff at my old job that it sounds like I might not get away with now.

Other random thoughts:

In my training group, there are a bunch of people who are 22 and this is their first job out of college. It made me feel ridiculously old.

There was another guy who was hired to do the same job as me. We had lunch with our supervisor today and they both started talking about home improvement projects, their kids, missions, etc. Yep, looks like I don't fit in.

The place seems kind of Mormon-y. Yeah, it's Utah, and religious bullshit is basically a way of life here, but still. At my old job, the Mormon nonsense wasn't so bad because my supervisor was a never-mo from outside this wretched little theocracy. And as a disaffected former Mormon, I always really liked that about him. But my current supervisor is from Idaho and from the way he and my co-worker were talking, it is obvious that they are both way into Ol' Joe's icky cult. I'm trying not to judge because they both seem like nice people, but I have serious misgivings about the situation.

Really, really not a fan of the benefits. The insurance has some three-tiered system for the prescriptions, which means that a drug I previously paid $50/90 days will now be $150/90 days. Holy shit. Also, it's an IHC plan, and most of the doctors I've gone to are in the University of Utah healthcare system, so I probably won't be able to go to them anymore.

I have a cubicle, but it's a shared one with half walls. Oh yes, and I'll be sharing it with my supervisor. So I guess I can forget paying all my bills online while at work, starting the morning by having breakfast and tea at my desk while reading CNN, or really doing anything at all that would be considered "personal business." It's kind of disappointing. (I realize how stupid this sounds, but I had a nice morning routine going at my old job; and because I had a cubicle with full walls, no one ever noticed what I was doing).

After lunch today, the supervisor showed us around the building and pointed out the equipment we will be expected to know stuff about. I wanted to sit down on the floor in a corner and cry/hyperventilate. There was stuff I'd never seen before, and it was totally overwhelming. I am so scared that I will be terrible at this job, (or won't like it) and won't be able to find another one. Even though my previous job was basically a career dead end, I knew I was good at it and was confident that I wasn't ever going to be fired.

The commute sucks, and will suck more during the winter. Despite being from Utah, driving in the snow terrifies me. And public transportation is really not an option, since it would take a bus, a train, and another bus to get me from my house to work.

So far, my plan is to give it a year. If, by September 13, 2011 I've decided that it won't work out for whatever reason, I will start looking for something else. That sounds fair enough, right?

WTF is wrong with this kid?

2010-08-31T19:47:00.003-06:00

Ever see the movie 13 Going On 30? Where the girl wishes she was "thirty, flirty and thriving?"

Here's the scene:

I still can't get my head around why someone so young would want to be 30. Turning 30 sucks. I know, because today is my 30th birthday. And since I am sitting at home blogging, it's probably apparent that I'm not "flirty and thriving." :)

Here's a clip that comes a little closer to describing how I feel:

(Yes, I'm a total nerd, but I think that fact has been well established).

This show was on when I was a teenager, and when I watched this scene, I couldn't imagine being so "old." It seemed like an awful thing that was never going to happen to me. Except it did.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, 6 weeks

2010-08-06T19:15:00.002-06:00

Today is the day... according to my doctor I should be feeling totally healed and back to normal by now.

I suppose I mostly do. As far as exercise is concerned, I'm back to my normal cardio routine. Strength training exercises are still more difficult to get through than they were before the surgery, especially ones where my head is down. Doing push-ups for more than about a minute still gives me a pressure headache.

I'm usually not in pain anymore, although yesterday my nose started feeling stiff and strange, and I got a bad sinus headache like the ones I used to get every day before the surgery. Speaking of which, the sinus headaches have become more rare. I'm not sure if this is due to the surgery, or if there is just less pollen in the air.

When it comes to breathing, I really can't tell a difference. One side still feels "stuffier" than the other. I'm worried that the septum has (or will) shift back to being deviated and that this whole experience will have been for nothing. :(

Happy Birthday

2010-07-30T23:07:00.001-06:00

I'll preface this by saying how much I hate myself for still thinking about you, let alone remembering that today is your birthday. If you were to ever read this blog, you'd probably be thinking this:

Yeah, I know. I suck. I'm pathetic. I accept that.

Whenever I wonder if you're ok, I just check the website that you run for your local soccer club. Usually it's updated with the results of the latest game. I would read your match report, feel better knowing you were alright, and not think about you again for awhile. Lately though, it doesn't even look like there is a website anymore, and it's making me concerned.

I really couldn't give a shit about soccer, but I loved how enthusiastic you were about the club, and listening to you talk so happily about the team and their games made me happy. You seemed to care about it in the same way the TBMs in my life care about their religion--I think the soccer games every Sunday were like church for you (sounds like more fun than actually going to a church service anyway). It sounded like the other people who regularly attended the games were your community, and I was glad you had such nice friends. I had hoped to meet them some day.

But I guess none of that matters now. It's just knowing how important all of that was to you makes me wonder why the website suddenly disappeared. I really hope you are ok.

Sometimes when I think about you, it makes me wish I still believed in God. If I did, I would pray for you. I would ask him to watch over you, and to keep you safe and happy. I would ask him to let you know how unique and amazing you are, and to make you understand how important you were to me. I would plead with him to intercede with you somehow on my behalf; if he could somehow influence you to forgive me for whatever the hell I did to make you hate me so much that you stopped talking to me. And if that wasn't possible, I'd ask him to give me some small sign that you're ok.

But I am all out of prayers. And even when I was a believer, they never seemed to be worth much anyway. A beautiful song written by someone else is the best I can offer:

I know I will never see or speak to you again. I will probably never understand what went wrong. One day, I'll probably be able to remember you without hurting so much that it makes me feel physically ill. Unfortunately, today is not that day.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, one month

2010-07-25T16:42:00.002-06:00

It has now been one month since my surgery. I can't tell any difference as far as breathing is concerned. The nostril where the incision was made still hurts sometimes and feels plugged up. Sometimes the other nostril will start hurting and the pain will radiate across my cheek and the right side of my face.

I am still not sleeping well, and exercise is still difficult. I really thought this would help improve my quality of life, but I feel just as crappy (often worse) than I did before the surgery. I am constantly exhausted and often spend most of my weekend sleeping because I'm too tired to do anything else.

I know the doctor said it would take 6 weeks before everything was completely healed and back to normal, but I am still disappointed. I can't imagine that another 2 weeks will really make that much difference.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys

2010-07-22T20:45:00.003-06:00

Thanks to my most recent bout of insomnia, I found an awesome new TV show to watch. When I saw the description of The Fabulous Beekman Boys on my On Demand menu, I was intrigued: an NYC couple buy a farm in upstate New York.

Sure enough, I was not disappointed. Brent Ridge and longtime partner Josh Kilmer-Purcell purchased the Beekman farm in 2007. The show follows their adventures as they learn about farming, and run a business selling products made on the farm, including goat milk soap.

There are 80 goats on the farm. They belong to "Farmer John," who had lost his farm and would have had to send them to slaughter if they all hadn't found a place on the Beekman farm.

In this clip, the guys have a little competition to see who can build the best "playground" for the goats.

The show is hilarious and interesting. I highly recommend it.

My current musical obsession is...

2010-07-17T11:16:00.003-06:00

...Nick Lowe.

(Yeah I know, I'm about 30 years late to the party).

I was looking at my iTunes playlists and 14 of the songs on my "Top 25 Most Played" are his. I've already mentioned him here and here, but I recently came across some obscure recordings that I hadn't heard before, so my interest was re-ignited.

In no particular order, here are a few of those 14 songs that I can't stop listening to.

"All Men Are Liars"

Things I love about this song/performance:
-The humor and cheerful cynicism
-Rhyming Rick Astley with "ghastly"
-"Madam, allow me to relieve you of this title" spoken in a charming English accent
And pretty much everything else about it. A legal, free download can be found here.

Next up, from the same VH-1 show as the first video (back when they played actual music), "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?"

"So It Goes"

"(I Love the Sound of) Breaking Glass"

Watch as the Riddler suit from the previous video makes another appearance, LOL.

"I Trained Her to Love Me"

Perversely hilarious. There's no way this was meant to be taken seriously... right? ;)

"I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock and Roll)"

Someone should re-make that sweater with the notes across the front. I want one.

And to finish out the list, "Cruel To Be Kind" and "My Heart Hurts."

I wish I was half as talented at... um, anything really, as this man is at songwriting and performing.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, 3 weeks

2010-07-16T21:58:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since my surgery. I am finally starting to feel a little more normal. However, blowing my nose still hurts and it often feels like there is alot of pressure behind my eyes and nose. Exercise is still much more difficult than it should be, and I'm still having some trouble sleeping.

The incision is starting to look more closed and healed though, so that's good. But I wish the stitches would absorb. They are itchy and it annoys me.

Anyway, not much else to report.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 7

2010-07-08T20:16:00.002-06:00

Day 14:

Not much change from yesterday. I feel like my nose is swollen to the point that it's pulling my lips away from my teeth. I still worry about moving around too much, because I'm scared the repaired septum with shift back.

Also, I'm still tired and having a difficult time exercising, which sucks. I was really hoping to feel good by now, or at least have turned a corner.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 6

2010-07-07T19:45:00.002-06:00

Day 13:

There is not as much pressure in my head today, thankfully. It still hurts to try and blow my nose though. It still feels very swollen and sensitive. I can see where the incision was. It's disturbing. In the area outside the stitches, it looks like a deep, nasty wound that is still open. But the doctor said it looked like it was healing well, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much.

My nose and upper lip have started to feel strange when I smile or laugh. Exercise is still difficult. Today on my lunch break, I tried walking on the treadmill. I lasted for only 19 minutes at the blazing speed of 2.7-2.9 mph. It was really depressing how physically punishing that felt, and how exhausted I was afterward. I thought about trying again after work, but was too tired and just wanted to go home. I feel like a lazy slob. I'm trying not to berate myself too much, but it's difficult.

I've really been missing the calm, peaceful atmosphere at home. My iPod battery died this afternoon, and I had to recharge it. This meant I had to overhear my co-worker talking about her loser, meth-addict ex-husband (unfortunately, my cubicle is not sound proof. Oh how I wish it was. Without my iPod, I overhear so much shit that I really don't want to know about).

I know there are some people who would go crazy if they didn't leave the house every day. But I would be fine. I could paint and draw, try to write some short stories, practice the guitar--it would be great. Unfortunately, the bills must be paid.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 5

2010-07-06T19:36:00.004-06:00

Day 10 (Sunday): It was an unhappy Independence Day for me, as I was too tired to leave my house. More laying on the couch, staring at the TV. One highlight of the day was a Ricky Gervais stand-up DVD, Out of England. It was all pretty hilarious, but the best was this part, where he talks about his favorite informational leaflet:

Laughter is supposed to help heal, right?

Anyway, my head still felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure. My house is a mess because I've been too tired to clean. I also watched A Serious Man, which was interesting, but I think I was too spaced out to really "get it."

Day 11 (Monday): Thankfully, this was a paid holiday because Independence Day was on Sunday. So I stayed home again. I slept until about 11 am, then laid on the couch and stared at the TV again. I tried watching Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story. Under normal circumstances, I probably would have thought it was really funny, but in my spaced-out, head-is-going-to-explode state, the jokes kept going over my head, and I ended up falling asleep. I gave up and just watched/slept through some Law and Order: Criminal Intent reruns on USA instead.

When I finally woke up completely, I started to feel really bored with sitting around my house, so I decided to go to the grocery store down the street. I have basically been living on sandwiches from their deli. It's really sad. After that, I was really tired, so I watched some more TV, then got bored and decided to check my email. I realized that I had to go back to work the next day, and became incredibly depressed.

Sleeping in bed is still difficult. I usually just sleep with one large pillow, but when I do that, my nose gets stuffed up. Sleeping with two pillows makes my neck hurt. Falling asleep on the couch is easier, but I don't get "quality" sleep there. So no matter what I do, I end up feeling tired and crappy when I wake up in the morning.

Day 12 (Today): Had my second follow-up appointment this morning. The doctor looked in my nose and said everything was healing well, and to keep doing whatever I was doing (laying around on the couch and watching TV all day?) Then she had me try gently blowing my nose, but that hurt, so she sucked a bunch of nasty stuff out using some kind of medical instrument. The pressure in my head started to subside a little after that, but it's not entirely gone.

I told her that my nose feels swollen and stiff, and that it looks bigger that normal. She said that it would take up to 6 weeks for everything to completely heal and look normal again. How depressing. Then she sent me on my way, saying there was no need for another follow-up, and to call if anything seemed wrong.

Work today was not as difficult as Friday, but still was more unpleasant than usual. If I stood up for too long, I started to feel dizzy and would have to sit down. Trying to write anything made my hand hurt. I forgot to mention this to the doctor. It's very strange, I didn't start experiencing the pain and stiffness in my hands until after the septoplasty surgery. I wonder if it somehow aggravated a condition I already have; or if I'm getting carpal tunnell syndrome and it's unrelated to the surgery. It's very strange and troubling.

After work, I decided I would try exercising for a bit. I hate myself when I don't exercise, even if I have a good reason. I went to my usual Tuesday strength training class and decided to take it really easy: light weights, nothing where I have to lean over or move my head around alot. It was really depressing. Even working at about 1/4 of my usual intensity, I couldn't make it all the way through the class. I decided to ride the exercise bike instead, and even at level 1, that was difficult. (To compare, my normal exercise regimen for today is the 1 hour strength training class, really pushing myself; followed by 30 minutes of high-intensity cardio on the eliptical machine). I don't even think I'll bother to try the step-aerobics class tomorrow.

So, after I finish writing this, guess what I'm going to do? Yep, the TV is calling my name...

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 4

2010-07-03T18:41:00.003-06:00

Day 9:

Still feeling like crap. My nose feels sore and swollen, and my head feels really heavy and full of pressure. I think I might feel better if I could blow my nose, but I was told not to do that for 2 weeks after the surgery, and I don't want to mess anything up.

The pressure is just so horrible. It's making my entire face hurt, and making me feel really dizzy and spaced out.

Also the glands in my neck are starting to feel all swollen. I'm worried that something is infected.

Thankfully, I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. Hopefully, I will survive the holiday weekend...

And on an unrelated note, here's the song of the day:

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 3

2010-07-02T19:18:00.004-06:00

Day 8 (back to work): Totally dreadful, even more so than my average work day (because even the worst day at home is better than the best possible day at my job).

It has now been one week since the surgery. I thought that since I am still relatively young, get alot of excerise and usually follow a healthy diet, I would be feeling soooo much better by now. But I don't--at least not as much as I thought I would.

Getting through this day was tough. My head felt so heavy that it was difficult to hold it up for long periods of time. It feels like there is a huge weight underneath my nose, and if I stand up for too long I'll fall over. My front teeth and my lips started feeling numb; chewing and talking felt strange, and there were some words I didn't pronounce correctly. It was embarrassing. My brain feels all foggy, and it's like I'm thinking more slowly than normal, because of all the pressure inside my head.

Strangest of all though, my hands felt heavy and stiff. WTF, right? When I would write anything, my handwriting came out looking strange and different than usual. Really disturbing. And no, I haven't taken any Darvocet since Tuesday, so it's not from that.

The first thing I did when I got to work was fill out a ton of paperwork so that I could use my actual sick leave to cover my absence, instead of wasting my vacation time. After filling out as many forms as someone who is requesting access to state secrets, I took them and my doctor's note down to HR to turn them in. I handed them to the secretary and asked her to look at them and make sure I'd filled them out correctly. She said I did. I went back to the lab and continued on with my day.

After lunch, I checked my time card to see if they'd taken care of my missed hours. Surprise surprise, they used my vacation time instead of my sick leave; even though I filled out all the damn forms. I sent an email to HR asking them why that happened (since going down and dealing with them in person is painful even when I'm not already in pain). I've yet to hear back. Just thinking about it makes my head feel even more likely to explode.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 2

2010-07-01T18:50:00.002-06:00

Day 7 (Today): My nose feels really stiff and strange. I am starting to worry that the septum is shifting back to where it was (even though I know that's crazy). Also, I really wish I could blow my nose. It is so stuffed up, and I think that would help relieve all the pressure in my head.

I have spent most of the day asleep. I went out to the grocery store and to a sandwich place a few blocks away. It was kind of rough. While I was standing in line at the sandwich place I kept having to lean against the wall so I wouldn't fall over. WTF is wrong with me? I thought I would be feeling more "healed" by now?

Right now I have a headache and alot of pressure behind my eyes. I wish I'd asked the doctor to write me an excuse note from work for the entire week. I am dreading going back there tomorrow. I always dread going to work, but if standing in line at the sandwich place for 10 minutes was difficult, getting through an 8-hour workday will be a nightmare.

Septoplasty with turbinate reduction, part 1

2010-06-30T16:58:00.004-06:00

So last Friday I finally had the surgery I mentioned in this post. Here is my account of the experience.

Day 1 (day of surgery): Got no sleep the night before, totally freaking out. The surgical center told me to show up at 6:45 am, and to bring a urine sample with me (WTF?). I filled out a bunch of paperwork, then was taken back to a little waiting room where I sat around forever (still freaking out) waiting for the surgeon and anesthesiologist to come talk to me.

They finally showed up, then the anesthesiologist walked me to the operating room. They were securing my legs to the operating table, which made me freak out more, and then the anesthesiologist must have given me the drugs, because I blacked out.

I woke up in recovery with a bunch of stuff on my face. There was gauze taped under my nose, and a mask over my nose and mouth. Nurse #1 was telling Nurse #2 about an interesting patient--an 84 year old man who frequented the legal prostitution houses in NV. She said he was telling her all about S&M, crazy fetish stuff, etc. This made me laugh hysterically despite how messed up I was feeling. Another nurse came over and asked me what was so funny, and I told her. Then she finally took the stupid mask off my face and asked me about my pain level. I was starting to feel some pain, so she put more drugs in my IV, then gave me some Sprite to drink. The other two nurses stopped talking about the dirty old man, which made me sad, because their conversation had been entertaining.

Thankfully, there was no packing in my nose, but it was (and still is) difficult to breathe through it, so I had to breathe through my mouth. Finally, I was feeling a little more coherent, so they wheeled me back to the little room I'd been waiting in. I changed back into my clothes, then sat in another recovery room in a recliner. I felt really dizzy and wobbly. After sitting there awhile, they let me go home.

I spent the rest of the day drifting in and out of consciousness. The painkillers they gave me (Darvocet) worked really well and lasted a long time, so I didn't have to take very many. For most of the day, it was difficult to walk. I felt really unsteady on my feet.

I slept on the couch in front of the TV. It was uncomfortable being propped up on so many pillows, but if I removed one, my nose started to feel really stuffy. There wasn't much bleeding though.

Also, I had a really bad allergic skin reaction to the tape they used, especially where they taped my eyelids shut during the surgery.

Day 2: Pain was not so bad, did not take very many painkillers. Slept on and off most of the day. The anesthesia was the worst part--I started feeling really hot, then after awhile I would get really cold. Mostly, I still felt spaced out and exhausted.

Day 3: More of the same. Spaced out, exhausted, and alternating between really hot and too cold. Not much pain.

Day 4: The effects of the anesthesia had mostly worn off by this point, finally, but there were still times during the day I started to feel too warm for comfort. No pain, but my head started to feel really heavy, and like there was alot of pressure under my nose and behind my eyes. I thought about leaving the house for awhile and just going down the street to the grocery store, but standing up for too long made me feel dizzy; and I was still feeling pretty spaced out, which made the idea of driving too scary. Still exhausted. Actually managed to sleep in my bed and not on the couch.

Day 5: Had my follow up doctor's appointment. Was amazed that I managed to drive myself there and back without incident. She sucked some nasty looking stuff out of my nose, and I started to feel a little better. I am still not allowed to blow my nose for another week, which will be difficult. Still exhausted, occasionally dizzy/wobbly, occasionally too warm, and still feels like there is alot of pressure inside my head.

Day 6 (Today): I'm wishing that I had something to suck the nasty stuff out of my nose. My head feels very heavy, and like there is alot of pressure behind my eyes. I am still totally exhausted, and standing up for more than a few minutes at a time is difficult--I start to get dizzy and wobbly. Tried to run a few errands, but didn't get them all done because I was feeling all spaced out (even though I haven't taken any drugs today) and driving in that condition is too scary. All I feel like doing is laying down. This worries me--I was really hoping I would feel more normal by this point.
Tomorrow is my last day off from work and I am dreading going back.

Anyway, that's the story so far.

My Heart Hurts

2010-06-21T20:23:00.001-06:00

A happy little tune about heartbreak, courtesy of Nick Lowe. Enjoy!

nick lowe My Heart Hurts on AB

Johnpaul,JP,Jeep | MySpace Video

Cruel to be Kind

2010-06-07T22:52:00.003-06:00

The song of the day is "Cruel to be Kind," by Nick Lowe. This is one of my all-time favorite songs, and a perfect example of pop music at it's finest. Enjoy!

(Aside from this being an awesome song, I also love Nick's floppy 70's hair in the video. Cute. ;)

Sinus pain go away...

2010-06-03T17:45:00.003-06:00

So I finally had an appointment with an ear, nose and throat specialist today to find out why I get horrible sinus headaches all the time. They took a CT scan of my sinuses. It was pretty cool--the machine was small, sort of like the panoramic x-ray at the dentist's office, and it took less than a minute.

Once the digital images started showing up on the computer screen, it became really interesting. I got terrible grades in my college anatomy class (the main reason I gave up on going to med school, but that's another story), and even I could tell that my sinus anatomy was seriously messed up.

It turns out I have a severely deviated septum. It's a huge relief to finally know what's wrong with me.

And it can be fixed using a surgical procedure called septoplasty with turbinate reduction. It is done on an outpatient basis, and the actual procedure usually takes less than 90 minutes, and seems pretty straightforward.

I'm having it done at the end of June. Wish me luck!

I should have gone to see an ENT years ago. Seriously. Then this would all be over with, I'd be able to breathe normally, and I wouldn't be suffering from these nasty sinus headaches anymore. The physician assistant and doctor I spoke with today were great, and seemed really knowledgable, and took my concerns seriously. All of the other staff members in the office were very nice too. I'd highly recommend them.

Random Egypt pictures

2010-06-02T22:24:00.006-06:00

The following pictures are ones I borrowed from other people in my tour group. I hate how everyone else always seems to take better pictures than me. It makes me sad. I'll post mine at some point, but for now..

Awesome view of Cairo that someone took from the bus window as we were on the freeway.

Odd looking cattle (or are they buffalo?) in a truck driving by. Check out the buildings in the background: there were buildings like this all over the place. Brick and cement, unfinished at the top, with huge satellite dishes.

More tomorrow.

It's been way too long...

2010-04-12T21:57:00.002-06:00

...since I posted a song of the day.

My Monday sucked, and I really needed something to cheer me up. This did the trick:

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, by Wham!

You're welcome!

(LOL @ George's short shorts. They are almost as bad as speedos.)

Speedos...

2010-04-03T18:03:00.003-06:00

...are always a fashion "don't," IMO.

I don't care if you're a 22 year old bodybuilding champion, or these guys:

I just don't think they're flattering on anyone.

In case you were wondering, this was a view that greeted me every day on the MS Norma, a Nile cruise ship, where I spent 3 days during my trip to Egypt last month.

More pictures and details to follow soon!
:)

Let us pray...

2010-02-03T19:35:00.003-07:00

In a clip from Will Ferrell's hilarious Broadway show, You're Welcome America, GWB offers a touching prayer to "Swiss-looking Jesus":

The Jesus he's praying to seems familiar, could it be this guy?

He has light colored hair (maybe not blond and "Swiss looking"), and certainly seems to be the life of the party.

LOL.

Bad poetry extravaganza, part 4

2010-01-28T20:17:00.003-07:00

I seem to be just full of self-indulgent writing this week (or full of something, anyway). So here's the latest (which can also be read on this site):

On travelling alone

I dreamed of becoming
the dashing world traveller,
the adventurer,
explorer.

Not the girl waiting at home.

And I realize
no one will wait for me.

Least of all you.

Would you have loved me
if I was Penelope?

Or have you seen too much already?
Am I foolish in your world weary eyes?

All I wanted was for you to come with me,

But now I'll go alone.

In other news, my next-door neighbors brought me dinner tonight. They were having Thanksiving in January and made me a plate--which was great because I was starving and since I've been too lazy to grocery shop, there's nothing to eat around here. It was the highlight of my week.

Bad poetry extravaganza, part 3

2010-01-25T21:22:00.003-07:00

So instead of posting my lastest self-indulgent attempt at poetry here in its entirety, I'll just list its link.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to just post it here. It's one I've worked on for awhile, and maybe there's something about it that's too personal, or just makes me sound too sad and pathetic.

On the one hand, I hate myself for writing something like that, especially since it's about someone who very obviously no longer gives a shit about me; but on the other hand, I think parts of it aren't too bad.

I want people to read it... but I also don't. WTF, right?

Smile - Song of the Day

2010-01-21T21:08:00.001-07:00

A lovely cover of Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" by the cast of Glee.

Maybe this year will be better than the last?

2009-12-28T19:10:00.003-07:00

That's what I always hope anyway, but no matter what I do, every year is pretty much the same. That was the cheerful little thought that passed through my head when the song of the day came up on my iPod this morning:

A Long December, by the Counting Crows.

So on Christmas I watched Julie & Julia. It was a nice movie, and the theme seemed to be figuring out what you love to do and doing it. I felt like I had alot in common with Julie: bored, unfulfilling career, aimless... you get the picture.

Julie loved cooking, and I love art--painting, drawing, making jewelry, etc. Except I'm usually too tired and unmotivated do anything about it. But I think I really need to start being creative again. It makes me happy, or at the very least, it provides a temporary distraction from the unhappy reality I live in.

My company has a little "art corner" where employees can display their artwork (after their portfolio has been approved by HR, of course, LOL). I've decided I'm going to come up with enough pieces to submit a portfolio for consideration.

This is New Year's goal #1.

I've posted artwork on this blog before, but unfortunately, most of my best work is in the possession of other people, and I'm not likely to get it back. So I'll be starting from scratch.

I'm mentioning it here to so that I will be accountable.

Anyway, with 3 days left in the year, here's hoping that 2010 is better year for everyone than 2009 was. And that the "Teens" are an improvement over the "Noughties."

Just say no to being a man-ho

2009-12-20T17:04:00.002-07:00

Because I really need a laugh, the song of the day is "You Don't Have to be a Prostitute" by Flight of the Conchords:

All I Know

2009-11-28T17:11:00.003-07:00

The song of the day is "All I Know" by Art Garfunkel.

I had forgotten about this song and how beautiful I think it is until last week when I was re-watching season 2 of Nip/Tuck (before they ruined it in season 3 with the stupid plot line about The Carver and it hasn't been the same since). But I digress...

I realize that I haven't been around much lately. At first it was because I bought a home. I had to move all my stuff, get the place painted, and buy a couple of pieces of new furniture. One of these days, I'll even get around to posting some before and after pictures.

So that was a fun distraction for awhile. It helped me forget (temporarily) about the loss of a friendship that became apparent at the end of July. I was so busy with real estate and loan paperwork, and then with my home improvements that the pain from this loss got pushed aside.

But now that I've settled in to my new place, it's returned with a vengeance.

And on top of that, work has been extra unpleasant. One of my co-workers took a month-long European vacation, so that meant I was even more overwhelmed than usual. Also, I was passed over for a promotion and didn't even get an email to inform me. I found out about it when the new person's name started showing up in the computer. It really sucks.

Anyway, I've lost more than my fair share of friendships since I stopped believing in/attending the LDS Church. It hurt like hell, but what helped me get through it was the fact that I was never really "myself" with these people. They didn't know or like the "real me" (the one who stopped going to church), they only seemed to like an idea of me that reflected well on them; a person who seemed to share their beliefs and at least sort of fit in. Once it became apparent that I no longer conformed to that image, they dropped me. And even though being treated like that feels shitty, I understand it. I've been dealing with people who act that way all my life.

But I don't understand how I lost "Elliot."

I was almost always 100% myself when I talked to him, and he seemed to still like me anyway. Even though he lived on the other side of the world, he was one of my best friends, and sometimes I felt closer to him than the people I see every day. He seemed to "get me" more than they do.

We were friends for almost 4 years, until one day I guess he just decided he was bored of me, and I never heard from him again. No more emails, phone calls or postcards. Nothing. I really don't understand what makes someone change their mind about someone else like that.

Without him in my life, even on the periphery, everything feels mediocre. No matter what I accomplish, it feels like second place. My house and everything else I have feels like a consolation prize. Even though he was never really "with" me, there is a silence without him that's unbearable.

As the song says:
"Endings always come too fast
They come too fast, but they pass too slow"

So that's why it's been 3 months since I've written anything. Both personally and professionally, my life has been pretty unpleasant. I felt like the only things I had to blog about were way too depressing, and it looks like I was correct...

Happy Birthday to me

2009-08-31T18:21:00.002-06:00

So I am 29 today. Bleh. I think that after age 21, birthdays start to get less and less enjoyable.

This cheered me up, though:

Since everyone in my life knows that I am totally obsessed with Lost, one of my co-workers left this Dharma Initiative labeled food on my desk. I thought it was hilarious.

The tuna label even has nutrition facts.

If you'd like to print your own Dharma labels, you can go to this site. Too funny.

Even though getting older sucks, at least this birthday will be memorable. This is the year I bought myself a house (ok, a condo) for my birthday.

Today was the day I signed all the paperwork for the purchase, and I am now the property of my mortgage company. J

The realtors knew it was my birthday, so they brought cute cupcakes from a nearby bakery. I signed a frightening number of documents, and now I am a homeowner. Hooray!

Maybe I should print a bunch of Dharma labels for all my food, and in my new house I can pretend I am Desmond in the hatch.

Some of the walls are currently a similar color to those in the hatch. But not for long.

So now begins the process of moving and painting.

The search is over

2009-08-08T17:25:00.002-06:00

After a long search, I have finally found a condo to buy. The price was right, I like the area, and the unit seems clean and nice. I am not in love with the red and brown paint the current owner has selected for the walls, but paint is easy to fix, right?

I am having it inspected on Monday, and the closing date is in the first week of September. I was hoping to be able to spend my birthday in a new home, but I will miss it by a few days. Oh well.

I'm pretty nervous about signing my life away to the mortgage company, but I guess it will be better than paying rent. And the place will be all mine to redecorate however I want. Hooray!

I have already started packing boxes (I forgot how much crap I have). I think the new place will be a great chance to make a "new start," which is something I really need right now.

I have promised myself that in the new place, I will keep things clean and organized from the start, rather than letting everything go to hell like I have in my apartment.

As I was going through my art supplies and packing them, I decided that once I'm moved into my new home, I will paint and draw more, as well as practice my other hobbies, like playing the guitar. I may as well, because I will no longer have any money to go out and do anything. ;)

So hopefully the inspection will be ok, and everything else will work out. Can anyone recommend a good, reasonably priced painter in the SLC, UT area?

All Good Things

2009-08-02T17:39:00.003-06:00

The song of the day is "All Good Things" by the Weepies.

The 80's were awesome

2009-07-14T19:23:00.003-06:00

Case in point:

The song of the day is "Break My Stride" by Matthew Wilder.

The only thing I don't love about this video is when the host interrupts the middle of the song. The rest of it couldn't be more awesome: Mr. Wilder's 80's fro hair, his Luigi from Mario Brothers 'stache, the leather pants; and of course, those dancers.

The clip is from a fabulous TV show called Solid Gold, where some of the most popular bands and singers of the 80's would perform thier hit songs. According to my mother, I really enjoyed this show as a child, and it worried her--especially how much I liked Cyndi Lauper and her crazy orange hair, LOL.

I was born in 1980, and sometimes I wish I'd been born sooner so I could've properly enjoyed that decade, but on the other hand, I don't want to be older than I am...

So, thank the FSM for the Internet and YouTube!

A drawing

2009-07-08T19:05:00.003-06:00

I was extra bored on Sunday so I decided to haul out my art supplies and draw/paint something.

This is a picture of the funny puppets from an episode of Life On Mars (UK). Sorry about the scan quality—the original is much better, I promise. J It's watercolor and prisma pencil on watercolor paper.

Here's the picture I drew it from:

And here's the clip with the puppets:

Everywhere

2009-07-02T19:31:00.002-06:00

I had forgotten about today's song until I heard a crappy re-mix of it on the CD that was playing in the exercise class I attended earlier this evening.

Please enjoy "Everywhere" by Fleetwood Mac.

The final straw

2009-06-24T16:57:00.002-06:00

For the past three days this week, I've been awakened between 1-3 hours before my alarm by a dog howling and whining. Just when I thought life couldn't get better...

At first, I blamed the neighbors, but this morning at just after 6 am, I realized it might be coming from upstairs. Did my landlords get a dog?

It yowled and whined for the next hour, and I finally gave up and went to sleep on the couch. When it was actually time for me to get up, I was so tired I knew there was no way I could make it through the work day. I called in sick and slept on the couch until the yapping and howling got so loud it woke me up in the living room. Just great.

I called my landlord and left a message asking if there was a dog in the house. She called me back and explained that they had gotten a new puppy. I told her that it had woken me up early every morning so far this week.

The gist of the conversation was her asking me to just bear with them while they get the dog crate-trained, or whatever the hell. The process should only take a few weeks.

Um, excuse me? I have to be sleep-deprived so that you can train your puppy? I don't think so. I have enough problems with fatigue and falling/staying asleep. This is shit I don't need. Plus, I'm pretty sure it violates the "quiet enjoyment" clause in my lease.

So unfortunately, rent or buy, I need to find another place to live. This is the final straw. If the dog is still waking me up by next Monday, I'm giving my notice. This is the final item on a long list of grievances that have been accumulating for the last 3 and a half years:

No dishwasher
No air-conditioning, and a furnace that's pretty worthless.
No bathtub. I usually prefer showers, but sometimes, after a long, shitty day at work, it would be nice to relax in a warm bath.
The new smoke detector that goes off every time I take a shower
The dark, tiny, ugly kitchen that has next to no storage space
The back stairwell that floods every time it rains
Having to park on the street and literally dig my car out of the snow in the winter
The assholes next door who like to have loud parties and take up all the parking on the street
The insect infestations (no one's been able to figure out where the bumblebees and other nasty bugs are getting in)
The ugly-ass berber carpeting
The horrible fluorescent lights
The ugly-ass walls: pale yellow paint in the living/dining area, hallway and laundry room, wallpaper painted over with brown paint in the kitchen, and peeling pinkish wallpaper in the bathroom. (The walls in the bedroom are white and they're ok).

So if I hate it so much, why have I stayed so long? The reasons are as follows:

Location, location, location. If traffic isn't too bad, I have a 5-minute commute to work. The convenience can't be beat.
All utilities included in rent. Again, convenience. Plus, the cable package is great and I have wireless internet.
All my stuff is already here and unpacked. The fact that I am constantly exhaused makes the idea of packing and moving really overwhelming.

But I'm pretty that I can't deal with this place anymore and will finally have to pack my shit and move. *sigh*

And Then You

2009-06-15T19:05:00.011-06:00

Here's the song of the day: "And Then You" by Greg Laswell.

JobVent.com

2009-06-09T19:38:00.004-06:00

I found an interesting website the other day, called JobVent.com.

The website lets you rate your company on several aspects including pay, benefits, respect, work environment and co-worker competence. The scale goes from -5 (horrible) to 5 (excellent).

The reviews from people working at Wal-Mart are a horror fest. I'm glad that I haven't shopped there in over a year. Costco sounds slightly less awful. I guess there really is no such thing as a "great job" anymore.

Oh, and the employee comments about various airlines make me never want to get on a plane again.

Enjoy!

Matchmaker, matchmaker

2009-06-02T20:16:00.004-06:00

I’ve never understood why so many people seem to enjoy playing matchmaker.

Can someone out there explain this one to me? Maybe I’m socially retarded.

Today at lunch, a co-worker asked me how old was too old for me to consider going out with a guy. (Uh-oh.) I said, “I don’t know. Why?”

So she proceeded to tell me about a guy she just met that lives across the street from the new house she just bought: “Blahblahblah, and he’s single. I was thinking I should set him up with someone.”

Seriously, WTF?

Does she think she's Emma?

Or does she assume that just because someone is single, they need/want to be set up with other random people she knows? I really don’t understand.

It seems meddlesome to me, even if the wanna-be matchmaker has the best of intentions.

And on top of that, I’ve never actually been on a good blind date. Any time a friend has set me up, it has been some degree of awful. At best, it’s a mind-numbing, pointless waste of time; at worst, it’s a hideous disaster.

I just don’t see what’s fun about setting your single friends, relatives, co-workers and acquaintances up with eachother. Something about it seems a bit arrogant and controlling, like you’re saying “I know better than you what kind of people you should be dating,” or “Being single is a problem, and I have just the solution for you.”

I really hope she forgets about the whole thing. I actually value my independence, and I think I am better off on my own, at least considering the guys I meet in Utah. Maybe elsewhere it would be different.

I spent part of Saturday with a girl friend who is 18 months younger than me and just split from husband #2, who was an abusive alcoholic with a gambling problem. She has two kids, and is stuck living in government assistance housing because he doesn’t pay his full amount of child support. We had a great chat about the many (straight) guys we've known who are assholes and treat women like second-class citizens/blow-up dolls/garbage.

So yeah, I’m fine with not being in a relationship, and the idea of (most likely) wasting my time with a random person someone else thinks I should date makes me ill.

End rant.

In other news, when I got home this evening, there was water all over the floor in the kitchen. I followed it down the hallway to the back entrance. The stairwell had flooded because of the rain. I wonder if I should take this (along with the recent bumble bee infestations--there was another one on Sunday)--as a sign that I really need to get the hell out of here?

Wildlife sighting

2009-06-01T15:57:00.004-06:00

Just a moment ago, the following announcement came over the intercom at work:

“Attention employees: A rattlesnake has been spotted in the south parking lot. Please use caution if you are going that way.”

I’m glad I rode the bus today, otherwise I would have ended up parking in the south lot. Parking there is already annoying—it’s a 5 minute walk to the building—and if that wasn’t bad enough, now it’s infested with snakes.

Just awesome.

More condos, blahblahblah

2009-05-27T20:38:00.006-06:00

I'm starting to get a little bored with house hunting. I decide that I'm done, and that I'm not going to look at any more places... but then Mikey emails me with more units to walk through and I agree to see them. Here's the latest offering:

These are pictures from two different buildings, both near the University of Utah (so not really my desired location, but whatever). If I could combine the kitchen in the first unit with the living room in the second one, I would totally be sold.

The ones I looked at today made me like this one even more, but the asking price is still prohibitive, and as I've mentioned before, having massive amounts of mortgage debt that I alone am responsible for is scary and overwhelming.

On the other hand, moving somewhere else sounds really, really great right now...

Today I looked at 4 units in three buildings. The 2 units in the second building (second picture) looked essentially the same, except one (not pictured) had gray walls.

Seriously, WTF is up with all the gray walls? I think it's so ugly.

The units in the first 2 buildings were newly remodeled by the same developer, and priced around $180k.

The unit in the third building (not pictured because people were living there) was older and cheaper, around $130k.

None of them were actually worth those prices, but I say that about everything. It scares me how much I sound like my dad sometimes...

On the way to these places, Mikey was chatting away about various topics while I listened politely. I had mentioned previously that I'm from Provo, UT and couldn't wait to get the hell out of there, so he told me some story about when he visited some friends at the BYU dorms. This was pre-mission when he had long hair and earrings (that would've been interesting to see), and some guy in the dorms tried to escort him out: "Like I was Satan or something."

And how his wife's (then girlfriend's) BYU roommates were all honor code Nazis. And how at age 23, she was the last of her friends to get married and "Isn't that so messed up?"

Yes it is, amigo. It sure is.
(But everything about BYU is fucked up, as a former student explains here).

I wonder if one day Mikey will be a post-mormon too?

In Utah, it's always nice to meet someone who doesn't quite fit the morg-bot mold. Even if they do describe themselves as "edgy" (when they're so not, LOL).

Anyway, he was telling me about spending a month in Europe last year. I said that sounded like fun and that I needed a month of vacation. He replied:

"I bet you have a month of vacation time saved up. You probably never take vacation days or call in sick, but you're undervalued."

Damn.

That's really scary.

Am I that obvious and pathetic? Or can one not be successful at selling overpriced real estate unless they're quite good at reading people?

Either way, the boy totally has my number. I'm so going to get talked into buying a condo. Sweet Jeebus, save me...

Enneagram test results

2009-05-27T19:39:00.000-06:00

Interesting.

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

I'd say it's pretty accurate. My mind often wanders and I get lost in my own thoughts, especially when I'm doing something boring. And I feel ambivalent about alot of things--I have a difficult time making up my mind. Especially when it comes to major purchases...

The events of this evening have convinced me...

2009-05-26T20:42:00.005-06:00

...that even if I don't find a place to buy, I need to move the hell out of this apartment.

I wandered into the kitchen and found a gigantic, furry bumble bee crawling across the floor. At first I thought it was some kind of spider. I'm surprised the entire neighborhood didn't hear my screams.

How the f*ck did it get in? I don't leave any doors or windows open, ever, specifically to prevent bugs from getting in. Where the hell did it come from? I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight wondering...

Anyway, I killed it by drowning it in Scrubbing Bubbles Foaming Shower Cleaner. For some reason, it didn't look like it could fly. Really, how did it get in? I opened and shut the door as quickly as possible when I left and when I got home. Where the hell did it come from??

Ugh. Obviously, I need to move to a place where the front door opens to a hallway, not the outside. I hate bugs. I'm sick of finding them in here and having to kill them. I've so had it with this place.

Also on the topic of annoying pests, after dumping the dead bee outside in the neighbors' yard, I found a little present on my doorstep. Apparently, my visiting teachers had stopped by and left a little present for me.

A gift card to Spoon Me (a frozen yogurt place I had never heard of until today) with a copy of a talk from April 2009 General Conference called "The Way of the Disciple."

They had helpfully underlined certain phrases, like "The gospel of Jesus Christ has the answers to all of our problems" (can it keep disgusting bugs from getting into my apartment?) and "the restored gospel of our Lord has the power to fill any emptiness, heal any wound, and bridge any vale of sorrow."

So that's a fro-yo with a huge side serving of self-righteousness then? No thanks.

You know what would really fill my emptiness and bridge my vale of sorrow? If my landlords would fix the damn doors and windows so that no more bugs get in, and upgrade the cable to include HBO.

Because I've just watched the Season 1 DVDs of True Blood (for the second time) and Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) is my new TV boyfriend.

There are no words...

Oh, and it looks like the gift card has already been used a few times. WTF?

Anyway, if you managed to make it this far, thank you. Please enjoy this clip from True Blood:

Another purple-goat blog

2009-05-19T21:41:00.003-06:00

Uh oh. Is that really something the world needs?

Maybe not, but here it is anyway:

PostMormon Songs: music for the journey out.

I love music, and there are alot of songs that I've continued to find helpful, comforting, relatable, etc in the continuing process of leaving the LDS church. I thought it might be useful and fun (and cheaper than therapy) to share them, and explain why I like them or what they've meant to me.

And you can do the same. Is there a song you've found particularly meaningful during your spiritual/religious journey (or even during a particularly difficult time in your life)? A song you'd like to dedicate to someone who has been there for you through it? Or even an angry/bitter song you'd like to dedicate to an annoying TBM in your life? ;)

Send the title, artist, and your comments to postmormonsongs@live.com and I'll post them.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Quite nice, but still overpriced

2009-05-19T15:16:00.002-06:00

This is the one on the busy corner in Sugarhouse. These are new and the décor was lovely. I especially liked the open kitchen/dining/living area.

However, at close to $210k, I think it is a little expensive for a home where you are sharing walls with your neighbors.

Yeah, it’s always something with me…

House Hunting...

2009-05-18T19:36:00.003-06:00

...Continues to suck.

Today Mikey showed me some condos that I actually really liked. The problem? I set a limit of $200k and these were around $210k.

I know, 10 grand probably shouldn't be a huge concern, but when I think about borrowing that much money I feel like I'm going to start hyperventilating.

The first complex was brand new, and very tastefully decorated (unlike some other places--which went under contract last week. Let's hope the new owners can afford a good decorator). My concern is that it is in a rather busy, commercial area of Sugarhouse on a corner with alot of traffic.

The second complex was near Emigration Canyon--a lovely location. This one had 3 bedrooms, which is alot more space than I need; and 2 parking spaces in the garage (for that second car I've been wanting, LOL).

I can just guess what my dad would say: "With that one, you could get a roommate to help with the mortgage!" Even though he knows that I've had horrible roommate experiences and that living in my car sounds more fun than giving that another try. *shudder*

Basically, if someone handed me $200k and said "Here's some cash, you have 1 minute to choose a new home," I'd gladly pick any of the units I walked through tonight...

...But no one is going to do that. I am completely on my own. If something bad happens to me and I can't pay my mortgage, I'm screwed. No one is going to help me. If an appliance breaks or there's a problem with the plumbing, etc, there's no landlord to complain to--I'm responsible for it. If I have a nervous breakdown because I'm so sick of living in Utah, I'd have to sell my home before I could leave here.

I'm torn. I was looking at my apartment last night and thinking how much I hate it and want something nicer; something that's mine to do whatever I want with. But the responsibility and the financial commitment necessary for that terrify me.

Maybe a part of it is because I always figured I'd be doing this with someone else--like a boyfriend or husband. But doing it all by myself is overwhelming, and makes me feel more alone than ever. I've always thought of myself as being very independent, and now I am questioning that.

Besides the somewhat shocking prices of these condos, there was another surprise this evening: I found out that Mikey is the same age as me. Dude must have a portrait hidden in the attic that's aging for him, because when I met him I wondered when the local high schools started offering work release programs in real estate.

People sometimes tell me that I look younger than my age, but next to him I probably look like an old hag. I'm not sure how I feel about buying a home from someone who looks younger and prettier than me... ;)

I'll stop rambling now. Pictures will be posted later.

FYT: Behind the scenes of the upcoming film, Dorian Gray.

Winning her back: FAIL

2009-05-18T19:07:00.003-06:00

If you haven't seen the blog Psychotic Letters From Men, I highly recommend that you check it out right now. (Thanks, sis!)

Starting with this entry.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

It's all about this YouTube video some guy made to win back his ex-girlfriend. Who dumped him more than two years ago.

I'm posting the video, but you really need to read the original blog post to get the background on it.

Normally, I would think that the guy in the video is kinda cute, but since he's obviously batshit crazy, the hotness factor is gone.

Maybe I just enjoyed it so much because it made me feel less bad about myself today.

I can't decide which is worse: making a YouTube video like that to try and win back your ex, or stalkbooking some woman you "missed your chance with" almost a decade after the fact.

What do you think?

ETA: I've decided that the video is definitely much worse.

Come Around

2009-05-16T21:49:00.002-06:00

Today's song is "Come Around" by Rosi Golan. Enjoy!

Favorite lyrics:
I could lie to you all my days
But you're the one, you're the one
And I'm a fool
For waiting so long to let you know

Condo or prison: You decide...

2009-05-11T21:12:00.018-06:00

...or is it an abandoned warehouse?

Once again, this is not the condo I originally contacted the realtor (let's call him "Mikey") about, this is a different one in the same complex. Love the location; hate, hate, hate the decor.

Mikey was telling me all about how the complex had been purchased and renovated by a developer; the unit I was looking at had been newly remodeled.

Really? Someone actually wanted it to look like this? WTF?

I was wondering where the person doing the remodeling drew their inspiration from. Maybe Fox River?

(A still from Season 1 of Prison Break.)

Seriously. "Penitentiary Gray" is the only thing that comes to mind when I try to imagine a name for the shade of paint on these walls.

And the downstairs floors are concrete that has been "finished" with some hideous shade of yellow.

If I bought this place I would have to hire someone to repaint the entire thing, because the ceilings are too high to do it myself. And I don't know what the hell I'd do about the floors. Sweet Jeebus, they were awful.

The kitchen was awesome though.

The metal railings everywhere would be ok if the walls were a different color.

And at least the upstairs floors were nice--hardwood bamboo.

Anyway, I disliked this one less than the other ones I've seen--it had the potential to be a nice place to live. But it was priced at close to $200k (the absolute top limit of my price range) and who knows how much extra I'd need to spend to make look the way I'd want it to?

Yes, I'm probably every realtor's worst nightmare--an insanely picky person with not much money who hates commuting and is therefore only willing to live within a very limited geographical area. (Which unfortunately is the most ridiculously overpriced area in the city).

I also looked at another condo in the same complex I toured last Thursday (the owner was home, so I didn't take pictures). This one was a 3rd floor unit with vaulted ceilings and a third bedroom. It was nicer than the other ones in that complex, but I still didn't love it.

I was expecting to walk into one of these places and think "Oh my God, I have to buy this," but so far it's a contest of which sucks less. Blech.

Silly me, thinking that house hunting was going to be fun...

Underwhelmed

2009-05-11T10:37:00.004-06:00

I looked at two condos Thursday night. It was a thoroughly depressing experience.

There was nothing wrong with either of them, but everything about the complex reminded me of the first apartment complex I lived in when I moved to SLC (where absolutely nothing good happened to me—the year and a half I spent there was the worst of my life).

They were nicer than that, of course, but the design of the buildings, and the size and layout of the individual units was incredibly similar. Even the people I saw as I wandered around looking for the correct building seemed the same as the people that had lived in my old apartment complex. It was almost like stepping back in time… *shudder*

Emotional context aside, neither condo was worth the asking price. $170,000-175,000 for a glorified apartment is a ripoff, IMO. Each place was only 891 sq. feet, and the kitchens were even smaller than the one in my current apartment, which I didn’t think was possible. There was no place for a washer or dryer in either unit, but while I was waiting in the hallway for the realtor to show up, I could hear a washing machine running in the laundry room upstairs. Awesome.

Anyway, the pictures are of the first one I looked at. It was totally empty and very clean. In the second one, the owners were home watching TV. Awkward!

Tonight I’m going to look at a different complex—this is the one I had actually contacted the realtor about, and was going to take a tour of awhile back. If it’s as depressing as condos 1 and 2, I think I’m done house hunting.

Did you know...

2009-05-09T11:19:00.005-06:00

...that Elvis owned a John Deere tractor?

I didn't either, until I checked my email this morning and found this link from Elliot, whose fascination with John Deere tractors both amuses and slightly worries me.

From the site:

Elvis acquired his John Deere 4010 tractor with the purchase of a Mississippi ranch in 1966. Having grown up around farming in Tupelo, Elvis knew he needed the best equipment possible to care for the land he had just purchased. Family members and close friends of Elvis tell stories about the enjoyment the famous entertainer had while working with his tractor.

After Elvis sold the ranch, the tractor moved to Graceland and was used to maintain the beautiful landscaping on the property for decades. Graceland visitors from around the world had come to know and look for Elvis’ old tractor when visiting the historical landmark. Graceland replaced the John Deere with a new model recently and decided to prepare the old tractor, which had served for nearly 50 years, for display in the Elvis Presley Automobile Museum.

Fascinating stuff, huh? ;)

Go On My Child

2009-05-06T21:04:00.004-06:00

Today’s song is “Go On My Child” by Michelle Featherstone (who appeared in a previous post—I love her songs).

I can’t say what she intended this song to be about when she wrote it, only what it means to me. For me, it’s about leaving the LDS church.

(Feel free to ignore the One Tree Hill clips, this was the best version I could find...)

Lyrics are below, I bolded the ones I find to be the most poignant.

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty and grace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary, don't turn your head away

Chorus:
So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your lies
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

(chorus)

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked, I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

(chorus)

This song of the day is dedicated to everyone who has suffered because of the LDS church, especially those who have left.

Those who walk away often lose family and friends, among other things. People who leave are frequently viewed as being "defective," while the LDS church is perfect and blameless.

This is totally false, and so hurtful.

Anyway, I hope someone else finds this song as comforting as I do.

Drifting Further Away

2009-05-05T19:24:00.000-06:00

Today’s song is “Drifting Further Away” by Powderfinger. Enjoy!

Looks like a winner!

2009-05-03T18:08:00.006-06:00

Perusing the book/DVD aisle at Costco (in Utah) is always a high quality experience. About half of it is devoted to LDS glurge. Today I found this gem:

Hoo boy! On IMDB, it has a 2.4/10 star rating, and one reviewer described it as "Mormon cinema attempts to create it's own version of National Treasure." Awesome.

But what's even more awesome is that one of the guys in it was in my graduating class in high school. Meaning he is 28-29 and playing a 19-21 year old missionary. That's as bad as having actors in their mid to late 20's playing high school kids in teen movies and TV shows, LOL.

Anyway, it made me laugh today so I just thought I'd share.

PS: Good news--it's available from Netflix!

PPS: Oh my gawd... there's even a trailer for it! Looks like the acting is just as Oscar-worthy as I imagined it would be:

This does not bode well

2009-04-29T18:24:00.002-06:00

I had posted earlier this week about a condominium in my neighborhood that I was going to visit tonight. The real estate agent called earlier today to cancel. He said there are currently tenants living in it (WTF?) and no one could get ahold of them to let them know we were coming. Uhhhh, ok? He’s going to try and reschedule me for next week. Nice.

I was wondering why an east side SLC condo had been on the market since January at a seemingly reasonable price. Now I know. No one can ever schedule a time to take a tour.

Also, it’s a short sale. Hmm. (It's in pre-forclosure and there are still tenants living there? Really, WTF?)

This new information is not very promising, and I’m starting to get concerned. But the location is too perfect not to at least look at it.

Anyway, in an attempt to not come across as a clueless moron for my (cancelled) tour, I Googled “how to buy a condo.” It was extremely educational, as well as slightly horrifying.

I learned that:

Some HOAs are run like a communist dictatorship, Nazi Germany, etc. For example, a man in CA lost his home because he planted too many roses in his yard. Seriously. The HOA fined him and “watched monthly as the fines mounted. When they slapped a lien on his home, he went to court and lost because he'd transgressed the board's architectural design rules. He was stuck with the board's $70,000 legal fees and lost his home to the bank.” Scary.
Buying a condo is not like buying a house. There are legal differences. The author of the linked article even suggests hiring a real estate attorney to help with the process.
HOAs can make up/and or change the rules as they go along, and there isn’t much that home owners can do about it.
If the HOA runs out of money they can charge home owners an “assessment” to pay for repairs. And this can be any amount of money, on top of the monthly fees that people are already paying. Yikes!
Basically, if the HOA is badly managed in some way, the homeowners get screwed.

Disturbing stuff. One of my friends at work bought a condo two years ago, so today I asked her how she likes it. I told her I was looking for a place to buy, but that I had heard and read lots of horror stories about HOAs from hell. She looked at me like I was crazy and said that she loves the place she lives. In the past year, fees at her complex have stayed the same, and the homeowners have been charged one assessment: $500 for some unexpected repairs. Not too bad.

I would’ve asked if there were any places for sale in her complex, but she lives in South Jordan and I’m too lazy to commute that far.

So I guess I'll have something to look forward to next week. I just hope it's not like this:

Save You

2009-04-28T19:28:00.001-06:00

The song of the day is "Save You" by Matthew Perryman Jones. Enjoy!

The search begins

2009-04-27T11:38:00.003-06:00

So, I’m going to start looking for a house to buy.

Okay, actually a condo, but whatever.

I made an appointment for Wednesday to look at a place that’s for sale in my neighborhood. The price is right (under $200k) and I already know I like the location, so that’s promising.

I am kind of concerned though because the real estate guy I just spoke with talked to me in a douche-baggy, “salesman” tone of voice. Blech. That’s one of the things I was afraid of.

Also, the idea of increasing my debt to a number with 6 figures is totally terrifying… but on the other hand, having my very own place that I can re-decorate however I want is such a tempting idea (yes, I’ve watched way too many home improvement shows on HGTV). Plus I really like the thought of all the tax deductions I’d be able to claim (right now I am getting totally screwed on taxes), and not having to pay rent anymore would be nice too.

Obviously, it’s something that I go back and forth on. Either way, I think Wednesday will be an interesting experience.

Search the scriptures

2009-04-24T10:44:00.007-06:00

Apparently, that’s this month’s Visiting Teaching topic.

As I was walking out the door this morning to go to work, I noticed a little “present” on the door step. It was a double-sided color pencil: one side red, one side blue. It had “Eagle Scripture Marker” printed on it in gold lettering. Oh joy. Attached to it was a yellow piece of paper with quotes from this month’s VT message:

“Success in righteousness, the power to avoid deception and resist temptation, guidance in our daily lives, healing of the soul—these are but a few of the promises the Lord has given to those who will come to His word… Certain blessings are to be found only in the scriptures, only in coming to the word of the Lord and holding fast to it…”

“…Recommit yourselves to a study of the scriptures. Immerse yourselves in them daily so you will have the power of the Spirit to attend you…”

WE LOVE YOU and hope you find motivation in the Visiting Teaching message this month!

Gag me with a spork.

I won’t even start on the “We love you,” except to say that I have never even had a conversation with either of these assigned friends. Sorry, but you can’t really love someone you don’t even know.

Next, there’s the message itself. Healing my soul? Blessings found only in the scriptures? Really?

Here’s a story I remember from the Book of Mormon. It’s found in Alma chapter 14. In it, two “prophets” Alma and Amulek, are forced to watch as their followers are burned alive. How very pleasant and uplifting right?

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be ^acast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be ^bburned and destroyed by fire.

9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of ^amartyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.

10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the ^apower of God which is in us, and save them from the flames.

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in ^aglory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the ^bjudgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the ^cblood of the ^dinnocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

My mom and I first read the Book of Mormon together when I was a child, and I found this story absolutely horrifying. But my mom assured me that it was all ok, because those people who died were received into heaven to be with God and Jesus again. She said it was better that they died for their faith, rather than denying it to save their lives and then losing their salvation. She said that in Alma’s place, she would do the same thing.

That didn’t make me feel any better about the story. Gee, I wonder why?

I guess it doesn’t really matter because the story is just fiction, but thinking about that conversation is always deeply unsettling. Would my mom really prefer that I, my sister or my dad be burned alive rather than deny the LDS church? That’s just scary.

So no, there is nothing in this charming little tale that heals my soul or blesses my life. Quite the opposite, actually.

(And that's just one example. There are plenty more gory stories where that came from. As far as I can tell, the BoM has more violence than a Quentin Tarentino movie. Hell, all of his movies. And Tarentino's movies have better writing too.)

Anyway, reading the scriptures was always a joyless, empty chore for me. I never got anything out of it, because IMO, there’s very little to be found there, especially in Book of Mormon. There was not much there that I could relate to on a personal level.

I did find the Bible to be somewhat useful, as much of Western literature seems to make allusions to Biblical characters and ideas. Having read it helped me understand and enjoy other books I read (Hugo’s Les Miserables immediately comes to mind).

Anyway, the question remains of what to do with the scripture marker. I wouldn’t want the $0.89 they spent on it to go to waste. Maybe if I leave it laying around one of the common areas at work, someone will take it.

Just when I thought it was over... (another blind date update)

2009-04-20T15:10:00.004-06:00

"Nephi” called me today and left a voicemail. I saw the number with the 970 area code on my missed calls list and thought, WTF? Then I listened to the message and thought, Sweet Jeebus, you have got to be f*ckin’ kidding me.

The message was something like “Just calling to see how you’re doing; if you’d like to give me a call back.”

Ummm, okaaay… so the dude calls me in the middle of the workday (he knows I have a job) just to chat and see how I am. What? Especially since the stupid blind date we went on was over 2 months ago.

Let me remind you who this guy is. My TBM best friend (who I love dearly, but her taste in men is sometimes questionable) wanted to set me up with this friend of her husband who she thought I would have a lot “in common with” (yeah, not so much). But since I had no reason to say no, I figured why not? Plus, her husband is a good guy, so I figured if they were friends, he’d be ok.

And while Nephi was a decent human being, he is not exactly what I am looking for in a boyfriend. He is totally obsessed with getting married. Less than an hour into our long, boring and farcical “date,” he told me all about the dream wedding he wants to have in Hawaii, how his dad would cater the reception, the “bachelor weekend” he wanted to have in Vegas, etc (hey, I wonder if he has his bride’s dress and accessories all picked out too, along with the flowers, cake and bridesmaids’ dresses?) Needless to say, it was rather terrifying.

And a little sad. I get the feeling that he would have gotten along great with some of my girl friends from high school and college. They could have looked at bridal magazines together (yes, I knew girls in high school who were already collecting bridal magazines—barf!), discussed what kind of cake is best, and whether or not to put cut-up grapes in the mini-croissant chicken salad sandwiches at the reception.

Really, I don’t think this guy cares so much about who marries, just so long as she’s a member of the LDS church. It’s not entirely his fault, I suppose, as Mormon “culture” places an extremely unhealthy amount of pressure on people to get married young and fast. (IMO, this kind of thinking can only lead to future unhappiness, and possibly a messy divorce.)

And not only am I an “evil apostate,” I also want someone that actually loves me for who I am. Go figure.

Obviously, I feel like I have nothing else to say to this guy. I can’t imagine why the hell he’d be calling me, because at least from my point of view, we didn’t have much in common and the date wasn’t very fun. And maybe I’m just projecting, but it didn’t seem like he had a super-great time either. What else could he possibly have to say to me? Seriously, I can’t figure it out. Unless he is really desperate to get a green card. That’s the only way it would make sense.

Not returning his call seems kind of rude, but I don’t want to talk to him either, because what am I going to say? It’s all so totally pointless.

So, blogger buddies (and anyone else who might be reading this): What’s your opinion about this one?

I found it!

2009-04-17T21:05:00.001-06:00

The missing earring was stuck in the bathroom rug.

I'm much happier now.

An unhappy way to start the day

2009-04-17T11:07:00.003-06:00

I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed that one of my earrings was missing. The diamond earrings that I never take off.

They were small (less than 1/8 carat), not exactly the highest quality, and I got them for less than $70 on eBay (yeah, I know. Though they did come with a certificate of authenticity from an independent gemologist, for whatever that’s worth)… but they were really pretty and I loved them.

They were also the last “nice” thing I bought for myself before I cancelled all my credit cards at the end of 2006.

I’m so depressed right now.

The earring must have fallen out at some point last night or while I was in the shower this morning. I tore my bed apart and shook out all the sheets and blankets—didn’t find it. I shook out the clothes I wore to bed last night—still didn’t find it. I took the cushions and pillows off the couch and shook out the blankets—nothing. I crawled all over the floor in the living room, bedroom, laundry room and bathroom, and looked in the shower. With my crappy luck, it probably went down the shower drain.

I hate it when I lose stuff. I guess the next step is to crawl all over the floor again—this time with a magnet and a flashlight, maybe? I just hope it didn’t go down the drain, because if it did, I’m afraid it’s gone forever. I can take the drain cover off and shine a flashlight into the pipe, but I don’t think there’s any way to remove a portion of the pipe without tearing up the shower floor. In short, I’m screwed.

Did I mention that I’m so depressed right now? I guess it’s time to search eBay for a replacement pair.

Home ownership: Any advice?

2009-04-15T15:35:00.006-06:00

Buying a home is something I’ve been thinking about a lot for the past year, especially recently. I’d love to take advantage of the $8000 tax credit for first time home buyers. Plus I am just sick of renting—every time I write my rent check I feel like I may as well have just set fire to a large wad of cash.

Here’s my situation: I live and work on the east side of Salt Lake City. Currently, I have a very short, convenient commute to work (5-8 minutes by car, ~10 minutes if I take the bus). It’s pretty close to ideal. Also, I just really like the area. I’d love to own a home here.

The problem is that the east side/Foothill area of SLC is notorious for having some of the most ridiculously overpriced real estate in Utah. For example, a 4 bedroom house around the corner from me is currently listed at $435,900.

Waaaaay out of my price range, but one person doesn’t need 4 bedrooms anyway.

I did see two 2 bedroom condos in the area that were probably much closer to my price range though: one was $189,000 and the other was $210,000. That might be doable.

I think I would like living in a condo (HOA to take care of maintenance and yard work) but I’m concerned about actually owning a home where I share walls with someone else.

What if the people next to me are a bunch of loud, obnoxious assholes? Who have weird smells emanating from their place that stink up my home too? (Both things I have experienced in various apartment complexes. Barf.) Then I’d be stuck with them and my 30 year mortgage. Which would suck.

I’d welcome some advice about this, especially from people who have ever bought a home, or work in the mortgage industry. Here’s a little more about me:

28 year old female, single, never owned a home before.
Income in the $30-40k/year range (before taxes)
Credit score in the 720-740 range, last time I checked
Have worked at the same job for almost 5 years, and it’s pretty stable (health care industry)
Minor amount of debt that I'm actively paying off (student loans and f*cking idiocy with credit cards when I was younger)—but hey, maybe I could have that rolled into the mortgage?

I’m guessing it wouldn’t be extremely difficult for me to qualify for a loan, but the biggest problem would be coming up with a down payment. 5-10% of $100-200k would pretty much wipe out all of my savings and that scares me.

But I’m assuming that since I’m a household of only 1, I’d technically earn too much money to get any kind of government down payment assistance. And it’s not like my parents have any spare cash to throw my way either. So I think I’m screwed on this one.

Some of my other concerns:

I’d be doing this by myself, and it seems really overwhelming. My parents (dad) would probably try to help as much as possible, but they live 50 miles away. I do consider myself to be a smart, no nonsense person (most of the time), but financial stuff often goes over my head. I can read and understand all the scientific and technical literature anyone puts in front of me, but financial/legal fine print makes me feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. I’m afraid I would get totally screwed over.
Plus, there seems to be something about my appearance that screams “Please dick me around in every possible way,” as that’s what every car, cell phone, or other type of salesperson always tries to do to me.
Buying a home would be like admitting that I’m going to be stuck in Utah until the day I die, and that’s really depressing.
And it would further chain me to my miserable job.
Admittedly, responsibility and commitment (especially the financial kind) scare me.

So, any words of wisdom for a clueless idiot?

Kashi Moroccan Curry

2009-04-12T19:29:00.007-06:00

This stuff is awesome. It was super-easy to make (dump it from the bag into a microwave safe bowl, add 1T water, cook 60 seconds).

And it tasted so good.

I got it at Sunflower Farmer's Market for $2.79. If you're looking for a tasty new side dish, give it a try.

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

Peter Bradley Adams

2009-04-09T21:39:00.003-06:00

Today's song(s) of the day are both by Peter Bradley Adams. I can't decide which one I like better:

"The Longer I Run"

"Always"

(Sorry about the quality, this is the only one I could find.)

If you like this song, a free download can be found here. (I downloaded it and all I got was the mp3--no spyware, etc).

Things that don't make me happy

2009-04-07T12:46:00.001-06:00

Being asked if I’m pregnant.

I mean, I probably haven’t been working out as much as I should lately…but seriously?

Today as my co-workers were heading to lunch, they asked if I was coming with them. I said I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to eat anything, so I was going to skip lunch. A co-worker asked “Oh, so are you pregnant?”

WTF?

Why would anyone ask that? I couldn’t tell if she was serious or trying to make a joke. Either way, I was not amused.

Because the fact that I wake up almost every day (every work day, that is…) feeling like I’m going to be sick doesn’t automatically mean that I’m pregnant. If that were the case, I’ve apparently been pregnant for the last 4 years.

Anyway, I faked a smile and said “Uhhh, no.”

Usually, the horrible, nauseous feeling goes away by lunchtime, but lately it’s been staying with me longer and longer. That really can’t be a good thing.

Asshat Wireless

2009-04-06T19:56:00.001-06:00

How would you describe yourself? (pick one)

Gigantic douche
Major tool
Total asshat
None of the above—generally I’m a nice person

If your answer is d, you’re probably not qualified to work in a cell phone kiosk at the mall.

My cell phone died on Saturday. It was a Motorola E815 that had served me well for over 3 years, up until only recently when the battery stopped holding a charge, and I’d have to recharge it every day. Then it just stopped sending and receiving calls altogether.

I probably should have done something about this much earlier, as I would rather have ordered a phone from Verizon’s website. But I’m a procrastinator by nature and having to renew my contract for another 2 years in order to get a free phone made me nauseous every time I thought about it. So I kept putting it off.

After talking to customer service and finding out there was nothing they could do to help me, I had to suck it up and go to the Verizon store. Since I was in Utah County (barf) visiting the family, I went to one of the Verizon kiosks in the Provo Towne Center. Apparently, this one is actually run by a company called mybullfrog.com. And they suck. Especially the tall, dark haired dude who “helped” me with my purchase. I don’t remember his name, so let’s call him Dick.

Dick epitomized the douchebaggery you’d generally expect from someone working at a cell phone kiosk. I had looked at Verizon’s website before I left and basically picked out the phone I wanted (a purple Motorola W755). I really only use my cell phone to make calls, occasionally take pictures, and very rarely send a text...

...but of course I glanced at the other phones while I was waiting for someone to actually help me, and when Dick finally acknowledged me I was looking a phone that I’m guessing is Verizon’s overpriced version of the iPhone. So naturally he tried to sell me that one. No thanks. Especially since that one wasn’t available without “upgrading” my contract to a more expensive one, and I barely use any of the minutes on my plan as it is.

I explained that my current phone was no longer working, and that I just needed to replace it with a similar one. After I showed him the one I wanted, he tried to sell me some stupid extended warranty for like $69.95 a year.

He launched into this idiotic spiel about how camera phones are expensive to replace—the “retail value” of my new phone, for example, is like $300 (yeah right, that thing probably cost less than $1 to make in some Chinese factory. Shut up, Dick.) and the warranty covers loss, theft, breakage, blahblahblah, demonic possession, alien abduction…

(I might have just made up those last two. I kind of stopped listening as soon as he said “extended warranty.”)

Since I am not Homer Simpson, ("Extended warranty? How could I lose?") I obviously declined. Dick’s response?

“Are you sure? I mean we do have a broken one there…”

Um no, asshole. I have a phone that survived well past its intended life span, and then died due to no fault of mine. Most people get a new one every 1-2 years anyway. A three-year old phone is basically ancient, and I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

But I said, “Uh, I’ve had this one for over three years and nothing’s ever happened to it.” And mentally I added, “You condescending prick.” (I hope that part was implied in my tone of voice.)

At that point, I really should have just walked away. But my cell phone is my only phone, and I don’t feel safe if I don’t have it with me. Plus it was snowing and I didn’t want to drive anywhere else. Ugh.

So after he tried to sell me a bunch of accessories and shit I don’t need (“Not even if I sell you the car charger for half price?”) I finally got my phone and walked away. Thank Jeebus.

I just love it when salesmen (and men in general) talk to me like I’m a total moron and just generally act like patronizing douchesacks. Few things piss me off more than being treated like I’m stupid—in fact, that’s the quickest and easiest way to make me truly hate you.

And the reason I’m venting about this isn’t just because it turned (what should be) the simple act of replacing my phone into a huge, obnoxious ordeal; it’s also because I feel like alot of the men in Utah generally treat women this way.

I’m certainly not saying that all of the men in Utah are like Dick, but a lot of them that I deal with on a regular basis sure are.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the sexist church that many of them belong to, their upbringing, Utah culture in general, or something else, but it really bothers me. I routinely feel like I’m one of the women on Mad Men (set in the 1960’s) or Life on Mars (set in 1973).

Don’t get me wrong, I know quite a few good guys too. And I do like men. Especially one in particular…but he’s not from Utah. Interesting that I had to go all the way to England to meet someone I really, really like and who treats me like I’m actually a smart, interesting and worthwhile person…

(Yes, that would be the guy I refer to as “Elliot” on here.)

Anyway, I’m aware that assholes can be found all over the world, and women can be just as guilty as men of being condescending, patronizing jerks. But dealing with Dick reminded me of how deeply I dislike interacting with many of the guys in this state.

As Elliot would probably say, “What a tosser.”

Can't Leave Alone Bars

2009-04-03T16:50:00.005-06:00

This recipe is on about a million other blogs and websites, but it’s awesome. I’ve been craving these for weeks; but me, alone in the house + a pan of these = bad. But since today was my boss’s birthday, it gave me an excuse to make them and bring them to work. Plus it amuses me to see the look of shock on people’s faces when I tell them that I actually baked something.

Anyway, enjoy!

Can’t Leave Alone Bars
1 pkg White Cake Mix (18-1/4oz Box) *I use "Funfetti" because it's more... fun. LOL.
1/3 c Vegetable oil
1 can 14 oz Sweetened Condensed Milk
1 c Semisweet Chocolate chips
2 Eggs
1/4 c Butter

Directions:

In a bowl, combine dry cake mix, eggs, oil.
With hands, press 2/3 of the mixture into a greased 13×9x2 baking pan.
Set remaining Cake mixture aside.
In a microwave safe bowl, combine the milk, chocolate chips, and butter. Microwave, uncovered, on HIGH for 45 seconds, stir
Microwave 45-60 secondss longer or until chips and butter are melted; stir until smooth.
Pour over crust
Drop teaspoonfuls of remaining cake mixture over top.
Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes or until lightly browned
Cool before cutting.

Sorry I was too lazy to take pictures after I made them. But they were really good!

Better Off Ted

2009-03-31T00:01:00.003-06:00

After the a-holes at ABC cancelled Pushing Daisies, I swore I wouldn't get addicted to any of their new shows.

Then along came Ted.

I fail.

Better Off Ted is a sitcom show about an evil, soul-sucking corporation that does horrible things. Sound familiar? And yet it's funny anyway. Like Office Space.

Parts of it hit way too close to home. The interpersonal dynamics, the treatment of upper management toward the staff, and the horrible towel dispensers in the bathrooms...

I would like to be a writer on that show. I have so much material I could contribute...

Anyway, if you don't have anything else to do on Wednesday at 8:30/7:30 central (before Lost) give it a try. It's really funny and the guy who plays Ted is cute. :)

I'm baa-aaack!

2009-03-30T20:27:00.002-06:00

Did you miss me? ;)

I keep meaning to write about my trip to Washington DC (which was awesome) but right now I feel like venting about the irritating day I had.

This morning I awoke to the sound of all the electronics in the house shutting off simultaneously. Ugh. I thought maybe all the stupid snow had caused a power outage. But it was this:

The original picture and full story can be found here. From the story:

"Six hundred homeowners were without power Monday morning after a SUV drove into power pole. The woman was traveling south on Foothill Drive around 8 a.m. when she lost control of the vehicle on the slushy road and slid right into the power pole. The lines on the pole snapped, landing on top of the SUV.

Detective Dennis McGowan, with the Salt Lake City Police Department, said, "You can see it's suspended by the wires right now, so it is certainly a dangerous issue."

Emergency rescue teams helped the woman out of her SUV after she had been trapped inside for nearly an hour."

By the way, the driver was ok and able to walk away. Always remember that seatbelts save lives...

Anyway, let's see how many levels of fail are involved in this story. I'm counting three:

The driver of the SUV. Just because you have 4-wheel drive, it doesn't mean the laws of physics don't apply to you. To totally destroy that power pole the way she did, she had to have been going pretty fast. In a snowstorm. Not smart. 50 mph down Foothill Drive is ok when the roads are dry (and there are no cops watching ;), but when it's snowing, please slow down.
Salt Lake City. You'd think the city could get their shit together and have the roads plowed before the start of rush hour traffic. Not so much. I left my house at 8:45 am. The snow had mostly let up. The roads still weren't plowed. Just great.
The weather in general. Sweet Jeebus, it's almost April. Is it ever going to stop snowing in this godforsaken place? It was cold in DC, but at least it wasn't snowing. I really, really hate Utah and need to get out of here...

If there's a level of fail that I've missed, don't hesitate to let me know.

All this meant that I had to get ready in a dark, freezing cold house this morning. Since I couldn't use my blowdryer, I couldn't wash my hair. Saturday was the last time I washed it (I didn't bother leaving the house on Sunday). It looks terrible. I've felt disgusting all day. And since my power was off for God knows how long, I'm not sure if the food in my fridge/freezer is edible.

And I know I should be grateful that I'm employed, but being away from my job for 4 days and then coming back just made me hate it even more. Ugh. I need another vacation.

Vacation time! (finally)

2009-03-17T12:04:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I get to take my first vacation since Sept. 2006. It really has been way too long, and I've been slowly losing my mind.

I'm going to Washington D.C. with my sister. I'll say hi to Pres. Obama for you, and pass along this message: "Please tell the executive scum at AIG to give the money back and then go f*ck themselves."

You sexy thing

2009-03-16T20:22:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite scenes, from one of my favorite movies:

No matter how many times I watch it, that just never stops being funny. The Full Monty is one of the few things that always makes me smile, even if I'm in the most awful mood imaginable.

Clair de Lune

2009-03-13T09:23:00.000-06:00

Just because I've loved it for as long as I can remember, here's Clair de Lune, by Debussy.

I wish I was musically talented enough to play this.

Blind date update

2009-03-10T20:08:00.010-06:00

Maelstrom said:

Sorry to change the subject but I was wondering if anything else ever happened with your blind date?
Thank you for asking. :)

The day after my hellish blind date, the dude called me. Twice. The first time, I missed it because it was 10 am on a Saturday and I was still asleep. The second, I was speeding down I-15 at about 85 mph and didn't think answering my phone was a good idea. He didn't leave a message either time, so I didn't call him back.

And mercifully, I haven't heard from him since.

After I told my good friend (or whatever the hell he is) "Elliot" all about the wonderful experience I had, he shared this bit of wisdom with me:

"Sorry about your crappy date although it was funny! Has he rang back yet? I doubt it somehow but you are a catch so you never know!"
So at the very least, he can take a hint. When a girl doesn't answer twice in a row, she's probably not interested. Good for him for realizing this.

But while I was chatting with Elliot and describing this charming evening, he asked me "So, you weren't even tempted?"

"Tempted" to do what?

Shag some random dude I just met? After an evening I thought was boring?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha....
NO.
(Which was basically how I answered the question. But with more laughing).

I know, it really is shocking. How could I resist a guy who tells me all about his dream wedding and then asks me if I cook? A good date should always feel like a job interview for the position of "housewife."

Remembering this experience made me wonder when his visa expires. He did mention that he didn't want to go back to New Zealand...

What do you want to bet that Romeo's time in here in the good ol' USA is going to be up soon and he's looking for a way to stay here legally?

The things some people will do to get citizenship... *shakes head*

Great, how am I supposed to pay now?

2009-03-08T17:42:00.003-06:00

From failblog:

This brings to mind a number of troubling questions: First of all, why were they accepting payment in goats anyway? And for how long? What did they do with the goats they took in payment? How does a company pay taxes on "goat payments"?

Really, WTF?

My sentiments exactly

2009-03-05T19:48:00.002-07:00

LOL. I love someecards.

Bad poetry extravaganza, part 2

2009-03-04T15:55:00.003-07:00

Today I was bored at work and thinking about how glad I am to finally be (mostly) free of the LDS Church. I got this idea for a poem about it. I haven’t come up with a title for it yet. Enjoy!

Where’s the fire and the brimstone
you said I’d stumble into?

All I found was truth.

So tell another fairy tale
about how only you can save me
from the horrors that await
those who go astray.

I’ll have none of your tragedy.

There is no hell,
other than what we create.

Though there are times I think I’m drowning
in this salty lake;
surrounded, with no escape…

Still, I’m better off.

The truth will set me free.
And truth’s not your monopoly.

Where’s the evil and the danger
you warned would overwhelm me?

All I found was love.

So go invent a sordid tale
steeped in sin and pain and folly;
about a man of the world
who turned my heart away.

But I won’t be your tragedy.

There is no heaven,
besides the love that we create.

Though when he’s gone, I’m suffocating;
alone here in the dark.
And even if he leaves forever…

I’m still better off.

Love has set me free.
And love’s not your monopoly.

Where’s the cold and emptiness
you claimed would fill my heart?

All I found was me.

So spin your cautionary tales
about the “simple souls who stray.”
Tell your lies of poor, lost sheep.
Always someone else to blame.

My life is not a tragedy.

There is no sin,
except for your dishonesty.

Though I curse the years I wasted
trapped inside your prison,
there’s still so much life left to live.

Now I’m better off…

Because I’m finally free.
You’ve nothing left to offer me.

Don't Dream It's Over

2009-03-03T19:29:00.002-07:00

I love far too many songs to pick a favorite, but if I were to come up with a top 10 list, this one would be on it:

Don't Dream It's Over, by Crowded House.

And if you don't like the original, there are nice covers by Sixpence None the Richer:

and Howie Day (to name a few).

I love this song.

Filth and squalor...

2009-02-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

…are words that can no longer be used when talking about my apartment. Yay!

Last week I came home from work, looked around at the place, and truly hated myself for letting things get so bad. It’s just that suffering through 8 hours at the unhappiest place on earth leaves me exhausted and barely clinging to the will to live, so the last thing I ever want to do after a long day or week is clean up an overwhelming mess.

Seriously. I really let everything go to hell. It was only slightly less disgusting than this:

So I called Maid Pro.

Yes, I know. Paying a maid service to clean a 1 bed/1 bath apartment is pathetic and probably shameful, but I don’t care. I did pick up all the clutter and try to make the place look a little less hideous, but it was still pretty bad.

I’m happy to report they did an awesome job. Coming home to a clean apartment was the most satisfying thing I've experienced in months (which is a sad commentary on my life, I know), and was totally worth every penny. I even did a little happy dance around the kitchen.

I just hope whoever cleaned it wasn’t too traumatized.

Hide Me

2009-02-24T22:34:00.003-07:00

Hide Me, by the Winterpills

Poor goat

2009-02-22T16:20:00.002-07:00

From failblog:

There really are no words.

Song of the Count

2009-02-21T16:22:00.003-07:00

For anyone too lazy :) to click on the link in my previous post, here's the video:

I'm sure many of us have pleasant memories of The Count teaching us basic math skills. Prepare to have those shattered, LOL.

Sesame Street for adults

2009-02-20T19:03:00.003-07:00

Occasionally, something at work amuses me. Today my boss was in the lab, looking at a document that someone had done a crappy job filling out, especially since they had very obviously miscounted the number of items in the lot.

He shook his head sadly, then said "I think we need to have Sesame Street for adults or something, so people can learn to count."

Sesame Street for adults, you say? I immediately thought of this:

and was going to tell him, "Well, there is something like that, but I don't think it would help..."

Then I thought better of it. I didn't want to have to explain a Broadway play with puppets singing about internet p0rn, etc.

And no one's going to learn about counting from that anyway. Maybe HR should show this video during new employee orientation:

On a somewhat related note: While searching for the video above, I found this, which made me laugh harder than I've laughed all week. Because I am a 12 year old boy.

I Wish I Could Go Back to College

2009-02-17T20:34:00.010-07:00

Today's song is "I Wish I Could Go Back to College" from Avenue Q. (No, I haven't seen it, but I'm dying to).

(Not the best quality, but you get the idea).

Anyway, today I was thinking about how I didn't have any fun in college. I lived at home because I was too poor to really afford it otherwise. And if that wasn't enough to suck the joy out of the experience, "home" was Provo, UT. (No, I didn't go to BYU, thank the FSM. It was that other school in Utah Valley).

But it seemed almost as bad as BYU. I never really "fit in" with all of the other Mormon kids at my high school, and college was pretty much exactly the same.

So I hurried through it as quickly as I could, and ended up graduating a few weeks before my 22nd birthday, mostly because I wanted to get out of my parents' house and live in a different city. And a Bachelor's degree was the only way I knew of to make enough money for that.

Unfortunately, I didn't get very far, but Salt Lake City is slightly better than Provo (which was my own personal hell on earth).

If I had it to do over again, I would definitely have gotten the hell out of Utah. Somewhere on the West Coast would have been nice, and I probably would have fit in much better at a school in OR, WA, or CA. I would have met different people (rather than the cookie-cutter clones in UT) and it likely would've helped speed up my exit from the LDS Church.

I don't know how I would've paid for it--student loans maybe? But it seems like my life would have turned out better or been easier somehow (or maybe just different, which would still be a good thing) if I had changed how I did things in college. Oh well, I guess it's just a case of "the grass is always greener..."

Now I am 28 and totally burned out.

I often consider going back to graduate school, but I am too exhausted (thank you sleep apnea) too deep in debt (from my previous attempt at grad school, and because I was stupid with my credit cards when I first moved out on my own. Stay away from credit cards, kids. They are evil).

Plus, I no longer have any clue what I would want to get a graduate degree in. I used to love anything to do with Biology, but all the joy has been sucked out of it lately.

Also, I have all these doubts about whether I'd be smart or motivated enough to cut it in a PhD program in the sciences. Is there even a program out there that would accept a sad, burned-out grad school drop-out?

Ugh. Sorry to be so depressing. Please enjoy the song: "I'd walk through the quad, and think 'Oh my God! These kids are so much younger than me!'" LOL.